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Avatar: [With Nacho cheese dripping all over his face] Where the hell is Shamino!!!
Shamino: Where the hell is a telephone booth when you need one!!!
Narrator: The Great Earth Serpent suddenly appears.
Great Earth Serpent: For Christ's sake Shamino, this isn't a Superman comic!!! AT∓mp;T isn't going to come to Serpent Isle for at least another century!!! There are no telephone booths around here, you must find something else...
Shamino: What?? If there aren't any telephone booths around here then what am I supposed to do? [Shamino begins to sniffle and cry]
Great Earth Serpent: Please don't cry. [The Great Earth Serpent gives him an ethereal kleenex]
Shamino: But what am I supposed to do now? [Sniffle]
Great Earth Serpent: For starters, change your diaper, it's soaking wet!
Shamino: Oh, it is? [sniffle]
Great Earth Serpent: You must find the Port-a-Potty of Imbalance.
Shamino: So I can change my diaper?
Great Earth Serpent: D'owe. NO, so that you can change into Captain Huggies, you idiot!!
Narrator: Shamino begins to cry again.
Great Earth Serpent: I should get overtime for this. I'm sorry Shamino, you're not an idiot. ["You're a complete numbskull," the Great Earth Serpent mutters under his breath].
Shamino: Do you [sob] really mean that??
Great Earth Serpent: [in a totally insincere tone] Of course I do.
Shamino: Thank you Great Earth Serpent!! I'll go to the Port-a- potty of Imbalance right now!!
Narrator: Shamino runs towards the mountains to the north.
Great Earth Serpent: You're going the wrong way moron!! It's to the south, just follow the signs!!
Shamino: What signs??
Great Earth Serpent: That sign!!
Narrator: The Earth Serpent points towards a large billboard that says in really bright neon lights "Port-a-potty of Imbalance one mile south."
Shamino: Ohhhh, that sign.
Narrator: The Great Earth Serpent disappears before Shamino can ask anymore dumb questions. Shamino then runs to the Port-a- potty. Meanwhile, back at the ruined Quickie Mart.
Penguin: [In Stereotypical Indian Accent] All right officers, you are to be taking them away.
Julia: Cuff 'em Ernesto.
Ernesto: You two disgust me, Quickie Mart shoplifters. That's despicable, you can't get any lower than that!
Julia: Oh yeah, you guys are REAL virtuous. First you have the audacity to sleep with the Magelord's mistress and now you're stealing Twinkies!! Next thing you know you'll be sleeping with that slut in Monitor, Lucilla!
Iolo: Uh, the Avatar's already done that.
Ernesto: Big deal Julia, just about everybody sleeps with the Magelord's mistress. Why do you think that joke's going around, 'What does McDonald's and Frigidazzi have in common? Over one- billion served!' Hahahaha!
Julia: Don't you dare talk about her with such disrespect! Do you want her to turn you into an Icy Pop again?
Penguin: [with a dreamy sigh] Frigidazzi's wonderful! Don't you love that little black nightie she always wears??
Ernesto: Personally, I like the red one.
Avatar: Oh please, the lacy white teddy is the best.
Dupre: Her leather bodysuit with the executioner's hood rules!
Shamino: I like the plastic beach toys!
Julia: Well, I like her blue lingerie the best.
Everybody: What!
Julia: Just kidding.
Iolo: I like that nasty whip of hers!
Everybody: Oooooh, that whip was the greatest.
Julia: Uh excuse me, but don't we have something to do Ernesto?
Ernesto: Oh ya...
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Port-a-potty of Imbalance. [Shamino steps out]
Shamino: Fear not, Captain Huggies is here to save the day!!! [He then flies into a mountain. Then off towards the ruined Quickie Mart.]
Ernesto: Look up in the sky!
Julia: It's a nerd!
Penguin: It's a Great Dane!
Avatar: No, it's Madonna!
Iolo: Madonna?
Avatar: OK, maybe it's not.
Shamino: No, it is I, Captain Huggies.
Julia: Uh yeah. Is that supposed to impress me or something?
Shamino: Yes, it is.
Julia: You need to try harder.
Shamino: Uh, I am.... CAPTAIN HUGGIES!!!!
Julia: It does nothing for me.
Shamino: My awesome powers are supposed to strike fear into your heart!
Julia: Well, they're not. Honestly, anybody who wears purple leotards and their underoos on the outside does not exactly strike fear into my heart.
Avatar: You sure it's not Madonna?
Shamino: But I possess the most dangerous weapon in the universe!
Ernesto: Spam?
Shamino: No, dirty diapers!
Julia: Why didn't you say so. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [Julia and Ernesto both run away]
Penguin: Lousy good for nothing rangers!
Narrator: The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers suddenly appear.
Red Ranger: Did you say something about rangers? We shall capture the evildoers! Go Go Power Rangers!
Narrator: Before the Power Rangers can do anything more, the Great Earth Serpent appears and zots the Power Rangers with a lightning bolt, frying them to a Mighty Morphin' crisp.
Great Earth Serpent: I will not allow such idiocy on my world! I'll put up with Quickie Marts, I'll tolerate Captain Huggies, but even _I_ have my limits!
Avatar: If you refuse to put up with such idiocy then how do you explain Ultima 8!!!!
Great Earth Serpent: That wasn't my fault!
Narrator: The Great Earth Serpent then disappears. Everybody breathes a sigh of relief.
Avatar: For a moment there I thought this story was going to get really weird.
Narrator: When last we left our daring, dashing, intrepid, and really... heroic... heroes, they had been arrested for shoplifting, destruction of property, and reckless endangerment of a Quickie Mart penguin, only to be saved by the fearless and incontinent Captain Huggies!!!!! The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers had then appeared. Thanks to the Great Earth Serpent's quick thinking and lightning bolt, they were prevented from making this story even more stupid than it already was. Though Julia and Ernesto have been taken care of by Captain Huggies, the Quickie Mart Penguin has not.
Narrator: The Penguin is about to cast another spell when Captain Huggies throws a dirty diaper at him and he runs away screaming.
Shamino: Aha! I have once again done my duty and protected good law abiding people from harm!
Iolo: But we're shoplifters!
Shamino: Uh, well, I made an exception this time. I'm sure you meant well.
Iolo: Uh, no we didn't.
Shamino: D'owe! Just forget about it!
Narrator: Captain Huggies flies into the sunset and bumps his head. Moments later Shamino appears, dragging Dupre behind him by the foot.
Avatar: Where were you!
Shamino: Uh, a large Gateway cow fell on me and knocked me unconscious.
Avatar: Shamino, have you been eating those mushrooms again?
Shamino: Maybe.
Iolo: No no no Avatar, you can't eat the funky mushrooms in this Ultima.
Avatar: Are you sure Iolo?
Narrator: Iolo pulls out the Pagan box and shows the Avatar.
Iolo: See, there's a picture on the back of you getting high after eating a mushroom.
Avatar: Oh well, no one's perfect. What's that ugly pot doing on my head? Forget about it, come on, let's go, the penguin said the Temple of Enthusiasm was just over that next mountain. One hour later...
Dupre: Avatar, are we there yet!
Avatar: No!!!
Iolo: Look over there!
Narrator: Everybody looks and sees a large building in the middle of the snow and ice.
Iolo: It's the Temple of Enthusiasm!
Avatar: What if it's just another mirage?
Shamino: OK, maybe there really wasn't a McDonald's but we're all seeing this so it's got to be real.
Avatar: That's what you said about the Easter Bunny.
Dupre: And that little leprechaun!
Shamino: Hey, that leprechaun was real! He talked to me. He told me his name was Lucky and he wanted me to try some magically delicious cereal! Really, he did. Honest!
Avatar: Sure Shamino, whatever you say.
Narrator: The Avatar and his companions walk up to the building and soon find out that it is indeed real.
Iolo: Hey look! There's a plaque, let's see what it says.
Narrator: Iolo pulls out his Rand McNally guide to Serpent Isle and begins to translate the snow covered plaque.
Iolo: [with a puzzled expression] It says, "Convention Center". Wait a minute, there's something else above it, it says....
Narrator: The doors to the convention center burst open.
Iolo: DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Narrator: Dragons come pouring out of the convention center, armed with pies and snowballs. The Avatar and his fearless companions dive into a snowdrift and hide. Shamino [whispering]: I think I wet my pants. Avatar [whispering]: Not now! Iolo [whispering]: I think I did too.
Narrator: A handsome Dragon in a tuxedo with a scantily clad lusty wench hanging on each arm struts by the snowdrift and hears the Avatar and his companions. He examines the snowdrift carefully and reaches in, pulling Shamino out by his pants.
Shamino: Ahhhhh! Please don't eat me! I taste terrible with ketchup!
Bambi the scantily clad lusty wench: Ahhhhh! It's the anti- stud! Oh Beowolf, protect me from this ugly little troll!
Bunny the other scantily clad lusty wench: Oh Beowolf, do something! Beowolf [in a deep, suave voice]: Don't worry ladies, I'll get rid of this pest for you.
Narrator: Beowolf punts Shamino into yet another snowdrift, far, far away. Shamino lands in the snowdrift head first, leaving only his legs dangling out.
Scantily clad lusty wenches: Oh Beowolf, you're so brave! Whatever would we do without you?
Narrator: As Beowolf leaves and rejoins the pie fight the Avatar sticks his head out of the snowdrift and looks around.
Avatar: All right, the coast's clear, let's get out of here before those crazy Dragons get us.
Narrator: The Avatar, Iolo, and Dupre step out and begin to sneak away. Without warning, a dragon comes Skiing over the top of a hill, becoming airborne for a few moments. He then lands back on the hard packed snow and skis over to the Avatar, Iolo, and Dupre. He skids to a stop, spraying snow on the Avatar and friends. He takes out a snowball gatling gun, blasts them with it, adjusts his sunglasses, then takes off. Another dragon then flies gracefully by, laughin' joyously as she splats the Avatar with a Banana-cream pie.
Avatar: [tasting the pie] Not bad.
Narrator: The Avatar and companions watch as the rest of the dragons pass by without incident, too busy with their pie\snowball fight to notice the Avatar. Once the dragons have gone some distance away the Avatar prepares to leave, but before he can one other dragon slowly walks out of the convention center. The white dragon's head droops down with sadness and it is obvious that he has just finished crying, he passes the Avatar by without even noticing him, sighing unhappily as he tries to catch up with the others.
Avatar: Hey, what's wrong?
Narrator: With a start the dragon quickly looks up, noticing the Avatar for the very first time.
Dragon: Oh it's nothing really. [sniffle]
Avatar: You can tell me. I'm the Avatar, it's my job to help people and er, um, dragons too. If you tell me what's wrong maybe I can help.
Dragon: Are you really the Avatar?
Narrator: The Avatar nods his head solemnly.
Dragon: If is true that you like to sleep around with barmaids?
Avatar: Well, um, er.... Lovely day we're having, isn't it?
Dragon: It's very nice but you didn't answer my....
Avatar: [cutting him off] Now just what seems to be the problem?
Dragon: [trying not to cry] My best friend in the whole world, he's been kidnapped! [he starts to wail, soaking the Avatar in dragon tears] I'll never see my friend again! Whaaaaaaaa! Oh Avatar! They took Chunky!!!!
Avatar: Chunky? Who the hell's Chunky?
Dragon: My best friend! [sniffle]
Avatar: Is he a dragon?
Dragon: Like, duh! I thought that was obvious! We're practically twins! Creamy and Chunky! We're inseparable... except for that time Chunky got wasted in Las Vegas... Oh Avatar, [sniffle] I miss him soooo much!
Avatar: Creamy and Chunky? What type of names are that! It's almost like you guys were named after types of peanut butter or something.
Creamy Dragon: Yeah, we were! You got a problem with that! [Creamy draws himself up to his full height and begins to breathe fire]
Avatar: No! Those are wonderful names! Truly superb!
Creamy: Yeah right! [sniffle] First my best friend in the whole world gets kidnapped and then you make fun of our names! Whaaaaaa!
Avatar: [comforting the dragon] There, there, it'll be all right. I didn't mean to make fun of you. Now just who took your friend?
Creamy Dragon: Batlin and a bunch of his goons did! They took him to the Temple of Enthusiasm! [sniffle]
Avatar: Batlin did? He's the one that I've been chasing all over Serpent Isle. I'll rescue your friend, I promise.
Narrator: Creamy Dragon stops crying and looks up.
Creamy: Really, you'd do that for me?
Avatar: Sure, it's no problem.
Creamy: Oh, can I come with you? Can I, can I? Please. I won't be any trouble. Please?
Avatar: Hmmmm, I don't think so, it would be better if you stayed here.
Creamy: Oh please! I can help protect you and I won't cause any problems. I'll bring my own food and... [Creamy gets an idea]... I can even feed myself! Unlike some other people here [Creamy stares straight at Iolo and Dupre].
Narrator: Iolo and Dupre begin to squirm uncomfortably as the Avatar glares at them.
Avatar: Hey, you know something Creamy, you're right! [screaming in frustration at Iolo and Dupre] Why can't you guys feed yourselves! You all are pitiful! Even a dragon is smart enough to know how to feed himself. [the Avatar then turns to Creamy] As long as you can feed yourself you're welcome to come along. I'm sure you won't be any more trouble than those two numbskulls over there! [he points to Iolo and Dupre].
Creamy: Oh thank you! Thank you! [he hugs the Avatar, nearly crushing him to death] Let's go.
Avatar: Er, um, well, we do have one little problem...
Creamy: What's that?
Avatar: We can't find the Temple of Enthusiasm.
Creamy: I'm sorry but I don't know where it is, but I bet some of the other dragons can help you.
Narrator: Creamy takes the Avatar over to a group of Dragons, who are busy splatting each other with pies and having a fierce debate over whether or not to have a government...
Creamy: Hey guys! This is my friend the Avatar, he's going to help me find Chunky, but first he needs some help, can you guys answer his question?
Narrator: All the dragons immediately grow excited and rush over to the Avatar.
Dragons: [in unison] You need help? We'd be more than happy to help!!!!
Narrator: One dragon runs over, gives the Avatar a BIG hug, then ]]slurps[[ him.
Avatar: Are you deranged!!!!
Narrator: A dragon as dark as night, surrounded by a whole herd of foxes walks over....
Dragon: No, she's Serendipity, Deranged is over there.
Narrator: Nightfox points towards a dragon in a straightjacket. Stormclouds form in the sky and thunder rumbles ominously, signaling an approaching Storm. A blue dragon wanders over....
Dragon: Hey Avatar, can I have your autograph?
Avatar: Sure!
Shamino: Do you want my autograph?
Dragon: No way, you're a loser!
Narrator: Even more dragons run over to see the Avatar, including a grey dragon with a blue star on his forehead.
Dragon: So Avatar, tell me what you think about the paradox of humility?
Avatar: Paradox of humility? How the heck would I know! What do I look like, a philosophy major? Look, I just go where the Great Serpent tells me to go and kill a lot of things.
Narrator: Suddenly, the ground starts to tremble.
Dragons: Quick! Duck!
Avatar: Huh? Where? I don't see a duck...
Narrator: Creamy grabs the Avatar and throws him to the ground just as a dragon whooshes over them at Mach 3, missing them by inches.
Avatar: What the hell was that!
Creamy: Well, it might have been F-15, or, Mono could be drinking too much coffee again.
Narrator: Overwhelmed by all the dragons that are coming to see their hero, the Avatar tries to slip away and comes face to face with a black wolf that promptly slurps him on the face. He backs away from the wolf and a little baby dwagon toddles over to him and latches onto his leg...
Dwagon: Daddy!!!!
Avatar: Get away from me you little rugrat!!!!
Narrator: Katling Dragon appears and whacks the Avatar over the head.
Katling: How dare you say that to a cute wittle Baby Dwagon!
Narrator: The cute wittle baby dwagon sinks its fangs into the Avatar's leg.
Avatar: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeee!
Narrator: The Avatar can't take it anymore.
Avatar: HEY YOU GUUUUUYS!!!!!
Narrator: All the dragons stop their chattering and turn towards the Avatar. Dragons [all in unison]: Yes?
Avatar: Can any of you answer my question? Dragons [in unison]: I don't know, what was it?
Avatar: D'owe! Where is the Temple of Enthusiasm!!!!
Narrator: A few dragons pull out their Serpent Isle hintbooks and begin to look.
Shamino: Hey, what's that!!!
Narrator: Shamino grabs one of the hintbooks from the dragons and flips through it.
Shamino: This hintbook is great!!! It has maps and a walk- through, and hey, there's a picture of me in here! I can't believe this, they made me look like a total gimp!
Iolo: You are a total gimp!
Shamino: Am not! [Shamino sticks his tongue out]
Narrator: Iolo grabs the hintbook and begins to look through it.
Iolo: Hey, this walk-through goes through everything, even the things we haven't done yet! We're going to have to talk to that old hag, Xenka. Then, we're going to have to find Hawk's treasure! After that we go to the crematorium and, and, and.... Oh crap.
Narrator: A look of horror and then grief appears on Iolo's face.
Shamino: What is it?
Narrator: Iolo hands the book to Shamino, as he looks at the walk-through, the same expression appears on Shamino's face.
Shamino: Oh Dupre! [sob] Say it ain't so!
Dupre: Huh? What's going on?
Iolo: Oh, nothing.
Dupre: Let me see that walk-through.
Iolo: No, no, no! I mean, why would you want to see this boring ol' walk-through? There's nothing in here, nothing at all.
Dupre: Let me see it.
Narrator: Iolo hides it behind his back.
Iolo: No!
Dupre: I want to see it, and I want to see it now!
Narrator: Iolo begins to quiver in fear.
Iolo: No. [he says meekly]
Narrator: Iolo then bolts, taking the hintbook with him. Dupre turns to Shamino.
Dupre: What was in there!
Shamino: Nothing really, nothing at all.
Dupre: SHAMINO!!! Either you tell me now or I'm going to shove your pull-ups down your throat!!!
Shamino: I can't. I, I, I won't! Trust me, you don't want to know.
Narrator: Dupre slam dunks Shamino into a snowdrift and goes off to find Iolo. He follows Iolo's footprints until he finds him hiding with a bunch of penguins.
Dupre: Give me the hintbook.
Narrator: Iolo says nothing.
Dupre: Iolo!
Iolo: Just ignore us penguins. We're just sitting here looking at the ice, just doing our penguin thing.
Narrator: Dupre snatches the hintbook away and flips through it. A look of outrage crosses his face.
Dupre: I don't believe this! I do not believe this. This just can't be happening!!!
Iolo: I'm really sorry Dupre.
Dupre: Believe me, I am too, why does the Avatar get all the babes in this game?!!?!
Narrator: Dupre throws the book back at Iolo in disgust.
Narrator: Meanwhile, back near the Dragon Convention Center...
Avatar: Thank you for telling me where the Temple of Enthusiasm of is. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would've never have known where it was without you guys.
Dragons: [in unison] No problemo. We love to help.
Avatar: [turning to Creamy] So, have you packed all your stuff?
Creamy: [slinging a small Jansport backpack across his back] Yep, I have enough banana-cream pies to last us to eternity. I packed toothpaste, toothbrush, Binky...
Avatar: Binky?
Creamy: It's my stuffed human. I brought my compass, Dragon Scouts pocket knife, duct tape, road atlas, anti-freeze, baseball card collection, band-aids, my Ultima 7 coloring book, blow torch, leather jacket, detonator caps, C-4, fuzzy dice, Isotoner gloves...
Avatar: Uh, yeah...
Narrator: The Avatar and friends head off towards the Temple of Enthusiasm. But while on their way, a giant snowstorm hits.
Shamino: Quick, run for shelter!
Narrator: The Avatar and Creamy run off one way, while Iolo, Dupre, and Shamino run off in another direction. One hour later, Shamino, Dupre, and Iolo are huddled around a pitifully small fire, freezing their butts off, trying to hide from the storm behind an old serpent ruin. Through the snow, the Avatar trudges over to them.
Avatar: Hey guys, whatcha doing?
Iolo: Fre-fre-fre-freezing! What-what-what does it look like? Avatar (shaking his head sadly): Why don't you guys come with me? Creamy found a great place for us to stay for the night. Come on!
Narrator: Iolo, Shamino, and Dupre's faces light up with sheer joy. The Avatar leads them over to a Holiday Inn.
Dupre: A Holiday Inn? What, no Sheraton? [he asks with total sarcasm]
Avatar: Sorry, the Sheraton was totally booked, some sort of Babylon 5 convention.
Narrator: They enter the lobby and Iolo steals several ashtrays and stuffs his pockets full with books of matches. The Avatar gives Iolo a dirty look but says nothing. The Avatar walks over to the clerk at the desk, a large white, furry creature.
Shamino: Hey, are you a Gwani? Furry, White Creature: No, I'm an Ewok! Sheesh, I wish you stupid humans would stop getting us mixed up!
Avatar: I'd like another room, whatever you've got...
Ewok Clerk: Let me look...
Narrator: The Ewok flips through the register. Hmmmm, there's only a couple of rooms left. There's a Babylon 5 convention in town, you know.
Avatar: So I've noticed.
Narrator: The Avatar looks over his shoulder and sees several Babylon 5 fans dressed up as Narn, Centauri, and members of Psi Corps.
Ewok Clerk: All right, there's a room on the first floor with two single beds and an expansive view of the garbage dump and then there's a room with just one king size bed on the seventh floor, with a view of the swimming pool. Which one would you like?
Avatar: Give me the room on the first floor.
Ewok Clerk: But sir! Your room is on the seventh floor. You'll be as far away as possible from the room on the first floor.
Avatar: That's the point.
Narrator: The Ewok hands the Avatar the keys to the room and the Avatar gives the keys to Shamino.
Avatar: There you go. We'll meet in the lobby at 11 o'clock in the morning, have breakfast, then be on our way. Now go away and don't bug me.
Narrator: The Avatar hurries away, diving into an elevator right as it closes, leaving Shamino, Dupre, and Iolo stranded in the lobby.
Iolo: Well, let's go find our room...
Narrator: The trio find their room at the end of a long, deserted, hallway. Their room is right next to the laundry room and carts, upon carts of dirty towels block the door. When they are finally able to squirm their way past and open the door, they are immediately hit by a terrible, nauseating odor.
Dupre: Phew! What's that awful smell? Smells like something died in here.
Narrator: They enter the room and turn on the lights; a dozen or so small insects, rodents, and mammals scurry for cover. Iolo pulls out a can of lysol spray that he stole and begins to spray the whole room. It is obvious that this is not one of the better rooms in the hotel. The worn out carpet is a lovely shade of puke green, as are the tiles in the bathroom. Cobwebs cover the lampshade and the corners. The beds, with their orange paisley sheets, sag precipitously to the floor and the pillows have had most of their stuffing removed. Under the beds, a number of reflective eyes can be seen, watching the trio nervously. Dupre ventures into the bathroom...
Dupre: Hey Shamino, remember that pet dog you used to have? The cute li'l Chihuahua.
Shamino: Yeah, the one that ran away, I never did find her. [sigh]
Dupre: Well, I just did... You better take a look at this...
Narrator: Shamino runs into the bathroom and sees his chihuahua stuck in the toilet, dead. Tears well up in his eyes.
Shamino: Oh, Jezebel! Who could have done this to you! I swear, if I ever find out who did this to you, I shall avenge your death!
Narrator: While holding his nose, Dupre picks the chihuahua up by its tail and holding it as far away from him as possible, walks out to the dumpster and slam dunks the dog in.
Iolo: Well, I've slept in worse places.
Shamino: Yeah, like your house, it's a total disaster area!
Iolo: It was?
Shamino: Well, in Ultima 7 it was a mess.
Iolo: Oh... Ok. [Iolo gives Shamino a strange look]
Narrator: Iolo flops down on one bed and it crashes to the floor, nearly crushing to death the assorted creatures living under the bed and causing them to scream in horror. A number of them stampede under the other bed to safety.
Shamino: Well, at least they put those little mints on our beds.
Narrator: A raccoon scurries out from under the bed, grabs the mint with its paws, then runs back under.
Shamino: Hey!
Narrator: Once Dupre returns from the dumpster, something occurs to him.
Dupre: Hey, there are three of us here, and only two beds...
Iolo: You know Dupre, you're right...
Shamino: So, what does that mean?
Narrator: Shamino remains clueless. Dupre gives Iolo a knowing look. Iolo gives Dupre a knowing look. Dupre grabs Shamino's backpack and throws it into the bathtub
Shamino: Hey! What are you doing, Dupre? Put that back on the bed!
Narrator: Dupre picks Shamino up and tosses him into the bathtub.
Shamino: Dupre!!! What do you think you're doing! Don't put me in here! There's all this mud and green stuff and hey... it's Jimmy Hoffa... and William's Shatner's toupee! Oh, it's just a dead rat....
Narrator: With great effort, Shamino is able to free himself from the mud and the muck in the bathtub. He runs out, a few stray slime creatures still sticking to him like a grease to a McDonald's hamburger.
Shamino: Why are you doing this to me! It's not fair!
Dupre and Iolo: Because you always wet the bed!!!!
Narrator: Meanwhile, on the seventh floor...
Avatar: (knocking on the door) Hey Creamy, it's just me!
Narrator: After a few moments, Creamy comes to the door, wrapped in a towel, and lets him in. He then eases himself back into the jacuzzi.
Creamy: So, did you find them?
Avatar: Yeah, and I got them a room on the first floor. We'll be meeting them out in the lobby at 11 o'clock for breakfast.
Creamy: That sounds good. Do you think I could have an all-you- can-eat breakfast bar?
Narrator: The Avatar throws his sword and armour in the closet and plops down on the luxurious, king-sized, water bed.
Avatar: Sure, no problem. He grabs the remote and turns on the wide-screen TV. Do you know if we have Cable?
Creamy: (stretching out in the jacuzzi) You bet. We even have HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, Disney, and the Playboy channel.
Avatar: Playboy!!
Narrator: He flips around until he finds the channel and begins to watch.
Creamy: Hey, isn't that Frigidazzi?
Avatar: Yeah it sure is! (the Avatar begins to drool)
Creamy: Well, you would know...
Avatar: Hey, what is that supposed to mean!
Creamy: Well, it kinda means you're a lech...
Narrator: Creamy cringes.
Avatar: A lech!!! Just because I sleep with one, er... two, er three... uh, forget it...
Creamy: Hey, who's that with Frigidazzi?
Avatar: [peering at the TV] What the.... It's Spark!!! He always acted innocent but I always knew that kid was trouble! I don't believe it!
Creamy: You're jealous, aren't you?
Avatar: Damn right!
Narrator: The Avatar, disgusted with the show, flips to the Cartoon Channel and begins to watch the Smurfs.
Avatar: Oh no, Hefty smurf just had a heart attack! And Smurfette has just sued Brainy smurf for sexual harassment!
Narrator: During a commercial break, the Avatar goes over to the bar and grabs a Fresca from the mini-fridge. He watches TV for about an hour without incident. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door. The Avatar comes to the door and sees Shamino waiting outside, dressed in swim trunks.
Avatar: I thought I told you not to bother me.
Shamino: But Avatar, we need change for the Soda and Snack machines down by the pool.
Avatar: (sighing wearily) Fine, fine. Just hold on.
Narrator: The Avatar grabs a bag full of change and hands it to Shamino.
Avatar: Go knock yourself out. Now leave me alone.
Narrator: He is about to slam the door shut when Shamino steps in and looks around.
Shamino: Hey, how come you get the nice room!
Avatar: Because I'm the one paying for it!
Shamino: Oh.
Creamy: I'm going to the heated pool, I'll see you later.
Avatar: See ya...
Narrator: One hour later, the Avatar is stretched out on the bed, watching Baywatch. Creamy runs into the room and slams the door behind him, trembling with fear.
Avatar: What is it? It's not those crazy Babylon 5 fans pretending to be Drozy again? I thought they were through fighting once I gave them those paisley sashes.
Creamy: (violently shaking his head) No, it's those Narn and Centauri fans. They're really going at it out there.
Avatar: (grumbling) Sheesh! It's just a convention, all those fans are taking this WAYYYYYYYY too seriously. What are you doing back here anyway? I thought you'd be down at the pool for a lot longer?
Creamy: I would've but Shamino had an accident in the pool and they had to close it down.
Narrator: Someone knocks at the door.
Avatar: Oh jeez, not Shamino again!
Narrator: The Avatar storms over to the door and throws it open.
Avatar: What do you want!!!!
Narrator: Before him stands the mysterious Vorlon, Kosh, from Babylon 5. He is hidden in an encounter suit.
Kosh: NEVER say that.
Avatar: (eyes practically popping out of his skull) OK. Whatever you say. Are you from the IRS?
Kosh: No.
Avatar: Encyclopedia Salesman?
Kosh: No.
Avatar: Jehovah's Witness?
Kosh: No.
Avatar: Avon lady?
Narrator: Kosh says nothing. Kosh silently enters the room. Creamy dives under the bed, in a futile attempt to hide. He is only able to fit half of his huge dragon body underneath however and promptly becomes stuck. The rest of him sticks conspicuously out. The Avatar simply stares at the strange alien. Kosh walks over to where Creamy is hiding and points towards him.
Kosh: Come.
Creamy: (sheepishly) I-I-I can't. I seem to be stuck.
Narrator: Kosh mutters something under his breath that sounds like "THIS is man's last great hope for victory?" The Avatar runs over, grabs Creamy's tail, and with all his strength begins to pull. With a great tug, Creamy comes flying out from under the bed, along with the Avatar. Both end up splashing into the jacuzzi. Kosh shakes his head sadly. Creamy gets up, shakes himself off, then turns to the Avatar...
Creamy: I think you dislocated my tail!
Kosh: Come.
Creamy: Yes, sir.
Narrator: Creamy follows like a good little dragon. As both of them leave, Kosh leaves a small sampler of perfumes, cosmetics, and skin creams behind.
Narrator: The Avatar slams the door behind him, bolts the door shut, and sighs in relief.
Avatar: At least we don't have people from Star Trek running around here. Though now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind having a little run in with Deanna Troi. Oh yeah, she can wield my sword anytime she wants! Rrrrrrrowl.
Narrator: Just then, the door is knocked down and two Centauri fans rush in.
Centauri Fans: Are you hiding any Narns in here!
Narrator: The Avatar dives for his sword, which is conveniently located nearby in the closet and points it straight at the two Centauri.
Avatar: No! Now, what is your problem! Sheesh, it's just a TV show! That's it! I've had enough!
Narrator: The Avatar throttles the two fans and runs out into the hallway, where a battle is raging between the Narn and Centauri fans. He finds a Narn fan lying on the ground, barely conscious, and comes to his aid.
Avatar: Hey, what's wrong?
Narn: I'm dying you idiot!
Avatar: Oh. Bummer.
Narn: You must help us.
Avatar: Sorry, but I'm already trying to save Serpent Isle from total annihilation, I'm just a bit busy right now.
Narn: But if you help us, you can help stop all this stupid fighting.
Avatar: Oh, OK. Sure! Sounds good to me.
Narn: On the second floor, there's this store. And we're fighting over it. The Centauri fans don't want to let the other fans in, they want it all for themselves. If you can get down there and defeat the Centauris, then the other fans will get what they want and there won't be anymore fighting.
Avatar: Sounds virtuous. Sure.
Narn: Thank you, the Narns shall remember your act of valor. Don't screw up!
Narrator: The Avatar heads down the hallway, battling hordes of Centauri.
Narrator: Dodging laserfire, the Avatar races into the lobby and takes cover behind a potted plant. He watches as the numbers above the elevator slowly light up, signaling the approaching elevator.
Avatar: (muttering under his breath) Come on, come on, what's taking so long? That thing's slower than Forrest Gump.
Narrator: Finally, the number 7 lights up. The Avatar dives out from the protection of the potted plant, and rolls to the ground, barely missing being fried by laser fire. He jumps to his feet and crouches down, firing repeatedly as he edges toward the elevator. By the time he reaches it, to his horror, it still hasn't opened. The Centauri swarm around him and pointing their weapons at him, demand that he surrender.
Avatar: Oh no.
Narrator: Before he can actually surrender however, a burst of flame erupts in the lobby, frying most of the Centauri to a crisp. Creamy steps out of the destruction dressed like Rambo. Except for the snorkel, flippers, and dragon air tube that he is still wearing, he would look quite macho. He is armed to the teeth with a variety of weapons and is carrying his Jansport backpack.
Creamy: See, I told you I would be useful.
Avatar: So, where did Kosh take you and what did you do?
Creamy: (shaking his head in befuddlement) He took me to the basement and all these monks from "Chant" came out, they sung "Satisfaction" to me, and then Kosh gave me something that he said would fight shadows.
Avatar: What'd he give you?
Creamy: (looking even more confused) A flashlight.
Narrator: The elevator finally opens and both Creamy and the Avatar squeeze in. At the second floor, the elevator opens and the Avatar and Creamy dive for cover as laserfire goes right over their heads. They dive out of the elevator and seek cover behind a Coke machine. Creamy examines the Coke machine and then grins evilly.
Creamy: Cover me.
Narrator: Creamy whips out of his backpack a screwdriver, blow torch, and pack of bubble gum. He proceeds to dismantle the back of the Coke Machine, revealing tons of Cokes, Diet Cokes, and Sprite inside.
Avatar: So, what are we supposed to do with all this soda? Get high on caffeine and go on a caffeine-induced rampage?
Creamy: Well, yes.
Narrator: Creamy downs several Cokes. He shudders, a huge scary grin appears on his face, his pupils dilate, then his tail flails about in powerful spasms. He fills his backpack with cans of Soda. Then he shakes a Coke up.
Creamy: AWOOOOOOOOOOGA! Let's rock!
Narrator: Creamy dives into the fray, oblivious to the swarm of laserfire around him. With inhuman [or indragon] strength, he smacks the living daylights out of the Centauri with his tail. The Avatar shakes his head, shrugs, downs ten Cokes, begins to twitch, and leaps into the battle, ramming his head into the unsuspecting Centauri, not even bothering to unsheathe his sword. The whole scene begins to resemble a giant mosh pit. Once all the Centauri are lying on the floor, some unconscious, most moaning and groaning in pain, Creamy and the Avatar give each other a wild-eyed, evil look, cackle insanely, down some more Cokes, and run down the hallway, toward the sound of a raging battle. They round the corner, and stop dead in their tracks.
Avatar: What the...
Creamy: No way...
Narrator: Before them, a massive battle is raging. Narn, Human, and Minbari, fight the Centauri as if they were fighting for the future of the universe. They all swarm about one store, refusing to give even an inch of ground up.
Avatar and Creamy: CINNABONS!!!!!!
Avatar: Fear not!!!! I shall guard the Cinnabons!
Narrator: The Avatar dives into a pile of them and swallows one whole. He then leaps out, soaked in oozing, makarra-laced frosting, with a miniBon stuck on top of his head.
Avatar: Heh, hee hee, tee heeheehee, giggle.
Creamy: Uh, Avatar, you OK?
Narrator: The Avatar takes a huge bite out of a Cinnabon, downs three cans of Coke, and runs to the top of a pile of Cinnabons...
Avatar: I AM THE LIZARD KING!
Narrator: Creamy shakes his head, and continues to fight. Batman music begins to play and "POWS!", "BAMS!", and "OOFS" can be seen everywhere. The fighting continues for hours. The combatants are driven on by the massive sugar high provided by the Cinnabons. Finally, the sun rises above the horizon.
Creamy: [with a Cinnabon in his mouth] Avatar, we can't go on much longer.
Avatar: Just think of the Cinnabons...
Narrator: Suddenly, in the middle of the raging battle, a hotel employee runs in.
Employee: Um, excuse me.
Narrator: Everyone stops fighting and looks at the employee.
Everyone: Yes?
Employee: In a half an hour, J. Michael Stracyzinski, creator of Babylon 5, will be speaking in the Sheraton's conference room. Just thought you all might be interested.
Everybody: J. Michael Stracyzinski????!!!! Let's go...
Narrator: Everybody drops there weapons and begins to go.
Centauri: Hey, hey, wait a minute... he said in a half an hour. We still have some time to fight.
Narn: I guess you're right... DIE CENTAURI SCUM!!!!
Narrator: The battles rages on. Just then, an inconspicuous black and white dragon sneaks in. She looks around, her eyes bug out, and she screams....
Blitz Dragon: BONS!!! BONS, BONS, EVERYWHERE THERE'S BONS!!! YAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Narrator: Blitz cackles in insane glee and in a blink of an eye, manages to wolf down every Cinnabon, Minibon, cup of frosting, and trace of Makarra Cinnamon in the whole store, with one exception.
Blitz: Oh, yes! Yes! I must be in Makarra heaven.
Centauri: Hey!!! You ate all our Cinnabons!!!
Narn: What are we supposed to fight over now?
Centauri: Ah well, it's almost time for JMS to speak anyway... Narn, Centauri, and Minbari: Yeah, let's go.
Narrator: They leave for the convention, leaving the Avatar and Creamy behind in the store in a caffeine-makarra induced stupor and Blitz doing backflips and pirouettes as she spazzes out on Makarra cinnamon.
Avatar: Ah well, at least she didn't get my Cinnabon.
Narrator: The Avatar is about to take a bite of the Cinnabon that he had been hiding in Creamy's backpack when...
Blitz: Another Bon!!!! For me? Oh how kind and virtuous of you Avatar!!!!
Narrator: Before the Avatar can protest, Blitz swallows the Cinnabon whole.
Avatar: My, my, my Cinnabon... [sniffle] She took my Cinnabon... [whimper]
Narrator: A woman appears out of nowhere, wearing an Earthforce uniform... Ivanova [to Avatar]: No Bon today, Bon tomorrow, There's always a Bon tomorrow... Later that Morning...
Narrator: Shamino, Dupre, and Iolo meet the Avatar and Creamy at the Holiday Inn's restaurant.
Shamino: Good morning Avatar! Isn't a beautiful, glorious morning?
Avatar: Just go die, Shamino.
Iolo: Well, well, well, I see someone got up on the wrong side of bed this morning. I think someone needs some coffee REALLY bad.
Avatar: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! No, no, no, no... no caffeine... no more... caffeine bad, caffeine evil...
Creamy: Whatever you do, don't say mention the C-word, or anything with the C-word in it this morning.
Dupre: You mean caffeine?
Avatar: Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Narrator: The Avatar flops on the floor and begins to spasm like a fish out of water.
Shamino: That's funny, I thought Cinnabon was the C-word...
Narrator: The Avatar whimpers pitifully and curls up into the fetal position, muttering over and over again, "Caffeine bad, caffeine evil, cinnabons bad, cinnabons evil..."
Creamy: You morons! If he needs therapy because of this, you're paying!
Morons: Sorry...
Hostess: How many people, er, dragons, er people and dragons?
Creamy: Five. Oh, could you get Shamino the kid's menu, he's under 12, and Iolo gets the senior citizen discount. Shamino [whispering]: I'm not under 12! I've been around since Ultima 1, I'm older than dirt! Creamy [whispering]: Yeah, but the kid's breakfast bar is half off.
Shamino: They'll never believe I'm under 12.
Creamy: No one will think you're an adult, how many adults do you know who wear a diaper?
Shamino: Just Iolo.
Iolo: Hey! That's supposed to be a secret! Shamino [to Creamy]: Fine, fine, I'm under 12, but I want some crayons and the Holiday Inn/Serpent Isle coloring book.
Creamy: Of course. Iolo [muttering to himself]: Senior citizens discount? I haven't been so insulted since Smith tried to put me in a nursing home!
Hostess: Your serving wench will be with you momentarily.
Narrator: They sit down and a serving wench in medieval garb walks up to them.
Serving Wench: Good morning! I'm Sky and I'll be your super- chipper, live-to-serve, serving wench. [Sky the serving wench hands them menus and crayons and a coloring book to Shamino] I have been genetically engineered to be a serving wench. It is my only goal in life to fulfill your every whim and desire, and to get a good tip.
Dupre: Would you go out on a date with me then?
Narrator: Sky whacks Dupre on the head with a menu.
Sky: Not that desire you goober!!!!! Now what would you like to drink?
Creamy: Well, for now can I just have a glass of water?
Sky: That's it? A glass of water?
Narrator: Sky peers at them suspiciously.
Creamy: Yes. That will be all for now.
Sky: But I must serve! [whimper] We have twenty different types of fruit juices, twelve different soft drinks, fifteen blends of cappucino, coffee...
Avatar: Argh!!!!
Creamy: Don't say that!!!
Sky: What? Coffee?
Avatar: Argh!!!!!!
Sky: [giving the Avatar a strange look and taking a step away from him] Okay... V-8, Skim Milk, Regular Milk, Chocolate Milk...
Creamy: Just water, okay? I promise we'll get something later, but for now, just water... Sky [looking slightly desperate]: Distilled, tap, spring, Perrier, Avion?
Creamy: Just a glass of water, woman!!!!!
Sky: Okay. [whimper]
Narrator: Sky trots back to the kitchen and a moment later returns with the glass of water.
Sky: Here you go. Now what would you like to order? You are going to order, aren't you? You're not going to be like the cheapskate fat guy and his goons who came in here and just ordered water and ate all the complimentary crackers, and didn't even leave a tip, are you? [whimper] [sniffle][Sky grabs Creamy by the throat and lifts him out of his seat] ARE YOU!!!!!
Creamy: Uh, no. I promise I won't.
Sky: Good. Because if you did, I would be obligated to kill you. It's a Serving Wench Guild rule.
Narrator: Sky gives the group a really chipper smile.
Dupre: So, uh, you killed the fat guy and his goons? Sky [looking somewhat embarrassed]: Well, actually, uh, no. They kinda got away. But next time someone tries that I'll be prepared.
Shamino: [to Dupre] You think it's possible that fat guy she's talking about is Batlin?
Dupre: Might be.
Narrator: Sky trots off and pulls something out of her purse. She returns with a six-foot long, gleaming silver battle ax worthy of Jason Voorhees.
Sky: Isn't it the neatest?
Creamy: Uh, yeah.
Sky: Got it off the Home Shopping Network for 19.99. Now, what would you like to order?
Creamy: Actually, could you come back in a minute? We're not ready yet.
Sky: Okay, fine, but I'll be watching you...
Narrator: Sky trots off with her battle ax.
Dupre: So, why the glass of water?
Creamy: It's for the Avatar.
Shamino: How's a glass of water gonna help him?
Creamy: Like this.
Narrator: Creamy grabs the glass of water and dumps it on the Avatar's head.
Avatar: Aiyee!!!! OK, OK!!! I'm awake!!
Creamy: Are you ready to order now, Avatar?
Avatar: Uh, yeah. Sure.
Narrator: In an instant Sky appears, a huge and hopeful grin on her face...
Sky: [practically bouncing up and down] Did someone say they were ready to order??? Huh? Huh?
Avatar: Well, what've you got?
Sky: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam...
Vikings: (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spam...
Narrator: The Avatar gives both the Vikings and the serving wench a very odd look.
Sky: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings with some penguins joining in: Spam! Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam!
Sky: [continuing her list without taking in a breath of air] ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Narrator: Sky, who by this time has turned blue and is a bit dizzy, at least, dizzier than normal, pants and takes in great big gulps of air.
Avatar: Have you got anything without Spam?
Sky: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Avatar: I don't want ANY spam!
Iolo: [whispering to Shamino] Why do I have the funny feeling that somebody should be saying "humbug" right now?
Narrator: Shamino shrugs and continues to play with his crayons.
Dupre: Why can't he have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Avatar: That's got spam in it!!!
Dupre: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings and Penguins: SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM!!!
Avatar: [turning to the Vikings and penguins] Excuse me. Do you mind!!!
Narrator: The Vikings and penguins immediately quiet down and mutter some apologies, looking slightly embarrassed.
Avatar: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Sky: Urgghh!!!!!!
Avatar: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like Spam!
Narrator: The Vikings and Penguins quietly begin to hum the spam tune again, slowly rising in volume.
Sky: You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Avatar: [shrieking] I don't like Spam!!!
Dupre: Sshh, Avatar, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Narrator: By this time the Avatar is slightly freaked out. Vikings, penguins, and Sky: [singing their hearts out] Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Sky: [to Dupre, humming the spam tune and doing a little jig] Baked beans are off.
Dupre: Well, could I have his spam instead of the baked beans then?
Narrator: Iolo pulls out his lute and begins to play the spam tune, singing somewhat out of key. Shamino and Creamy Dragon get out of their seats and begin to do a little spam dance. Meanwhile, the Vikings and Penguins whip out cans of spam and form a chorus line.
Avatar: I'm not having any spam! I HATE SPAMMMMMMMM! Vikings, Penguins, Sky, the Avatar's companions, and everyone
else in the restaurant: [singing in a great, big chorus, with lots of dancing, acrobatics, and cans of spam being tossed around] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam!!!
Avatar: [getting out of his seat and pulling out his sword] Will you all SHUT UP!!!!
Narrator: Everyone falls silent. They all stare at the Avatar dejectedly and sit down, resuming their meals.
Sky: [glaring angrily at the Avatar] Killjoy!
Avatar: Do you have anything else besides Spam?
Sky: Well, we have egg and haggis; egg bacon and haggis...
Avatar: Enough already!!!! We're not getting into that again! Do you have anything besides spam or haggis!!!!
Sky: Hmmmmm, well, we do have an all-you-can-eat-mega-breakfast- bar.
Avatar: We'll take the breakfast bar.
Shamino: [eyes nearly popping out of his skull] Whoa!!! Sky wasn't kidding when she said it was a mega-breakfast bar....
Narrator: Sky suddenly appears.
Sky: Yes! It's the largest breakfast bar in all of Serpent Isle. 200 feet long, 40 feet wide, and enough lettuce and veggies to gag a whole herd of Jenny Craig disciples! You can come back for refills, but don't forget to leave me a tip, or else...
Narrator: Sky instantly disappears.
Shamino: How does she do that...
Narrator: The Avatar and companions grab their food, then sit back down, trying to enjoy a nice quiet meal, which we all know isn't going to happen. As they eat they notice security guards milling around.
Avatar: Hey, serving wench!
Narrator: Sky instantly appears.
Sky: Yes! Did you call! Huh, huh? Do you want to order something else!!!!!!
Avatar: No, not exactly. [Sky looks absolutely heartbroken] What are all those security guards doing?
Sky: [whispering] Don't tell my boss I told you this, but it's a SOOC emergency.
Avatar: SOOC?
Sky: Spazzed out on Cinnabons. We get one every once in a while. There's this dragon running around the hotel who's totally spazzed out on Cinnabons. They haven't been able to catch her yet, but don't worry, I'm sure they'll find her soon. Last time I checked she was splashing around in the fountain and chasing after the fishies.
Avatar: OK, thanx.
Shamino: I'm going back to the bar to get some more pancakes, anybody need anything else?
Dupre: Yeah, check if there's any beer!
Iolo: Could you get some more prunes for me!
Narrator: Shamino goes to the bar and begins to get some more pancakes.
Mysterious voice from under the breakfast bar: Psssst! Hey, you, diaper boy! Over here!
Narrator: Shamino looks down and sees Blitz Dragon crouched under the humongous salad bar, hiding from the guards.
Shamino: [whispering] What do you want?
Blitz: See that vat of maple syrup over there!
Shamino: Uhhhh, yeah.
Blitz: GIVE IT TO ME. I MUST HAVE SUGAR. SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR, MUST HAVE SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Hee hee, giggle.
Shamino: Are you sure? You seem to be a little, well, uh, wired.
Blitz: [suppressing maniacal snorts and giggles] Me? Wired? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just want a taste of that sweet, yummy maple syrup. I want to feel the sugar rich syrup ooze down my pink little tongue, delight in the brown maple goodness filled with stimulating, addictive SUGAR!!! [giggle] [snort] Really, I'm not wired.
Shamino: [shrugging] OK, sure.
Narrator: Shamino walks over and grabs the entire vat. Nobody notices as he shoves a 25 gallon vat of maple syrup under the bar. With a delirious grin on her face Blitz grabs it and retreats under the salad bar. After several minutes of noisy slurping and splashing, Shamino hears Blitz giggle spastically.
Narrator: Shamino grabs some watermelon, frosted flakes, fruit loops, and french toast, and returns to the table. As he begins to eat, he realizes who he was just talking to.
Shamino: D'owe!!!!
Avatar: What now?
Shamino: That spazzed out dragon, I think I just gave her a vat of maple syrup...
Avatar: What!!! How could you do that after she stole my Cinnabon! [sniffle] Serving wench!!!!
Narrator: Sky instantly appears.
Sky: [bouncing jubilantly up and down] Now do you want to order?
Avatar: No. Just tell the guards to come over here now, Shamino says he saw the dragon they've been chasing after.
Narrator: Two guards come over, armed with stunguns and huge butterfly nets. Shamino quickly tells them what he saw. Guards surround the breakfast bar, dressed in bulletproof vests and riot gear.
Guard: [announcing over a megaphone] Dragon! Come out with your hands, er, um, claws up in the air! We have the breakfast bar completely surrounded! You cannot escape!
Narrator: For a moment there is nothing but silence. Then Blitz streaks out from under the breakfast bar.
Blitz: Haha Coppers! You'll never take me alive!!!
Narrator: With great beauty and grace Blitz takes to the sky and zooms toward the huge plexiglass windows that overlook the swimming pool. She rams straight into the window. With an incredible "SPLAT!" she squishes against the plexiglass like a bug on a windshield. She rubs her head and tries again, only to crash against the window once more. She flops down to the floor.
Narrator: The guards quickly close in. They grab her and wrestle her to the ground.
Blitz: [quickly coming to her senses] Help! Help! I'm being repressed! See the violence inherent in the system!
Narrator: With a lot of wiggling and a few contortions she frees herself and runs back towards the breakfast bar and dives in.
Guards: She's in the lettuce! She's in the lettuce! Quick! Get her before she gets to the Fruit Loops!
Narrator: Blitz burrows deep into the lettuce, swimming around with only the tip of her tail sticking out like a shark's fin. Blitz begins to hum the Jaws theme song as guards rush over to the breakfast bar and attempt to drive her out of the lettuce with cattle prods. Meanwhile, back at the Avatar's table.
Avatar: I think I've lost my appetite. There's just something about a huge spazzed-out dragon swimming in my food that I find unappetizing.
Shamino: Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be wanting anymore of that lettuce.
Iolo: Well, if we're going to go, I might as well get some 'refills' from the breakfast bar. Hehehehe.
Narrator: Iolo returns to the breakfast bar and fills his backpack full with cherry tomatoes, blueberry muffins, bananas, and little boxes of Frosted Flakes and Fruit Loops. Meanwhile, Blitz continues to evade capture. One of the guards manages to poke her with the cattleprod. She grabs it and pulls the man under. The man screams in terror as he is quickly engulfed by the lettuce. Blitz then submerges herself entirely.
Blitz Dragon: Dive dive! [giggle] Ha ha Ramius, you'll never find me now!!!!! Hee hee!!!
Avatar: [completely weirded out at this point] Let's get out of this place before anymore crazy things happen to us!
Shamino: Just don't forget to pay Sky, or else... The last thing we need is a psychotic, tip-obsessed, serving wench chasing after us with a battle ax.
Avatar: [scanning the room] Where is she?
Sky: [handing the Avatar the check] Here you go!
Avatar: Aaaaaaaah! How'd you get here so quick?
Sky: I have always been here. [mysterious, enigmatic smile] And don't forget to leave a tip, or else...
Avatar: Do you take Britannian Express?
Narrator: Sky nods gleefully. The Avatar pays the bill and makes sure to leave a very large tip. They then grab their backpacks and bolt from the restaurant. Once in the lobby, they all catch their breaths and regroup.
Creamy: So now what?
Dupre: We go to the Temple of Enthusiasm.
Shamino: But where is the Temple of Enthusiasm!!!!
Avatar: If I knew, I wouldn't be hanging out in a hotel lobby, now would I?!!!
Creamy: So now what do we do?
Dupre: Oh well, guess we can go back to the breakfast bar and get more beer.
Iolo: Oh no....
Avatar: What now, Iolo!
Iolo: I just had a terrible thought.
Avatar: [oozing in sarcasm] Well good for you. Tell me when you have a happy thought!
Iolo: [looking terrified] What if this whole search for the Temple of Enthusiasm turns out to be just like the search for Elizabeth and Abraham in Ultima 7?
Narrator: Everybody stares at Iolo in horror.
Iolo: ...Well.... think about it. For the entire freaking game we chased after those two! And they never did turn up until the end of the game.
Dupre: Hmmmph! We searched EVERY square inch of Britannia for them!
Avatar: Don't you just hate it! The nerve of those people at Origin just stringing us along like that! Those two just HAPPEN to show up at the end of the game. How convenient.
Shamino: So what you're saying Iolo is that the Temple of Enthusiasm is always going to be one step ahead of us until the end of the game?
Iolo: No, you moron! It's a building! It can't move! All I'm saying is that we're never going to find the Temple of Enthusiasm no matter how hard we look.
Narrator: The Avatar sits down in a lobby chair and begins to whimper.
Avatar: Oh please. OH PLEASE DON'T LET THIS TURN OUT TO BE LIKE THE SEARCH FOR ELIZABETH AND ABRAHAM IN ULTIMA 7!!!! [sob] [sniffle]
Creamy: There there Avatar, it'll be OK, we can always use the cheat code.
Avatar: Cheat code? What cheat code?
Creamy: Oopsie. Did I say cheat code? I meant... er, um, well... Hey look, it's Alicia Silverstone!!!
Avatar: Where!!!!
Narrator: The Avatar frantically scans the room.
Avatar: I don't see her anywhere.
Creamy: Oh well, I must have made a mistake. Silly me.
Avatar: [looking heartbroken] Ohhhhh, and I really wanted to get her autograph. So, what were we talking about again?
Iolo: About the Temple of Enthusiasm.
Avatar: Oh yeah..... PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE THAT WAY!!!! OH PLEASE OH PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.... [multiple whimpers]
Hotel Employee: Pardon me y'all.
Narrator: The Avatar and his companions turn around and come face to face with one of those pretty and perky blond southern girls that inhabit every hotel front desk in the world. On her nametag is a suitably happy and perky name, "Kitty Anne."
Avatar: Hi, uh... I thought an Ewok usually worked at the front desk.
Kitty Anne: Oh, he's on break. I couldn't help but overhear y'all's conversation. If you want to get to the Temple of Enthusiasm, might I suggest you take one of our shuttles. They leave for the temple every hour, on the hour, and are very convenient. We also have shuttles going to and from the other five temples, the Skullcrusher Mountains, the Spinebreaker Mountains, and the local Outback Steakhouse, if y'all are interested.
Narrator: Kitty Anne gestures toward a large sign posted to one side of the lobby that lists the schedules for all the shuttles. The Avatar studies the schedule, then peeks at his Timex.
Avatar: We've got twenty minutes till the next shuttle. Thank you Kitty, you don't know how much this means to me.
Kitty Anne: I'm always happy to help.
Narrator: Kitty Anne returns to the front desk and the Avatar and friends hang out in the lobby, waiting for the shuttle to arrive.
Shamino: I'm going to the gift shop to get some postcards, I'll be right back.
Avatar: Sure, go right ahead.
Narrator: Shamino heads to the gift shop, leaving the others to lounge around in the lobby chairs or watch the fishies that inhabit the waterfountain and pool. After a minute goes by, sounds of a struggle can be heard from the restaurant. A group of guards drag Blitz away, wiggling and screaming, in a huge butterfly net.
Blitz: You've made a mistake! I've been framed! It wasn't me, it was the one-armed man!
Avatar: [to Kitty Anne] What's going to happen to her?
Kitty Anne: Oh, she's just going to go through Cinnabon detox, then they'll release her.
Avatar: Oh, OK, that's not too bad.
Iolo: Uh Avatar, I don't mean to bug you, but I was just thinking.... Don't you think it would be more Avatar-like if we walked to the temple.
Avatar: Excuse me? Did I hear you right? You want us to WALK to the temple. Are you crazy!!!
Iolo: But Avatar!!!! You're supposed to be an adventurer. You've got to wander the land, killing lots of really evil things and protecting people from harm. How are you supposed to do that when you're riding a bus?
Avatar: This from a guy who stole all the towels from his hotel room. Oh yeah, that's REALLLLL virtuous, Iolo. First of all, if you haven't noticed, it's a freakin' winter wonder wasteland out there! The only things to protect out there are penguins and serpent ruins! Lemme think about this...either I can slog through snow and ice, risking death from frostbite or wild animal to get to the temple, orrrr I can be driven to the temple in a nice, comfy, and WARM bus. Gee, I wonder what I'm going to do. If you want to walk to the temple, be my guest, but don't think I'm going to do something that stupid!
Narrator: Just then, Shamino comes racing out of the gift shop, waving a newspaper in one hand and Pez in the other.
Shamino: Avatar, Avatar! You've got to see this!
Avatar: Oh cool! Pez! Gee, thanks Shamino!
Narrator: The Avatar grabs the Pez out of Shamino's hand and pops some in his mouth.
Shamino: No! Not that! [Shamino swipes away the Pez and downs it all] This!
Narrator: Shamino holds up the frontpage of the National Enquirer.
Avatar: Prince Charles and Roseanne have alien lovechild? Who'd have thought?
Shamino: No! The OTHER article! The one with the huge picture of you and Lucilla sharing a martini and the banner headline, "'How the Avatar Betrayed Me,' Nastassia Tells Her Story in an Enquirer Exclusive."
Avatar: What!!!!! How!!!.... Why! How could she do this to me! [whimper] And how the hell did they get this picture?!!! And why did they have to get my bad side??!!! I look terrible in this picture! Hmph! Stupid Enquirer photographers can't do anything right!
Dupre: Lemme see that...
Narrator: Dupre scans the article and begins to snicker.
Dupre: Snugglekins? She called you snugglekins! Hahahaha!!!
Narrator: The Avatar turns bright red and grabs the Enquirer.
Avatar: How could she do this to me? How could she be so,.... so.... unfaithful!
Narrator: Everybody stares at the Avatar incredulously.
Avatar: OK... I admit.... maybe I wasn't completely faithful.
Everybody: You're a lech!!!!
Avatar: Whatever... [grumble] I just don't understand why she would do this to me. I wasn't perfect but I treated her well.
Dupre: Probably had something to do with the 50,000 dollars the Enquirer offered her. Hehehe.
Avatar: Oh great, my girlfriend sold me out for a quick buck. That's just great! [looking at his watch] It's almost time. Let's go. This has been a rotten day and I just want to find that stupid temple and get it over with.
Dupre: OK.... Snugglekins... [snicker]
Avatar: And the next person who calls me that gets Shamino's pull-ups shoved down their throat!
Avatar: [leaving the bus to go after him] Hey, what's wrong?
Creamy: [trembling in fear] Whatever you do, don't go on that bus!
Avatar: Why not?
Narrator: A dragon as black as midnight steps out of the bus, wearing a busdriver uniform.
Dragon: Hey Creamy, dat you?
Creamy: Hello Ramjep. [pitiful whimper] I didn't know you worked here. Last I heard you were working over at Disneyworld.
Ramjep: Well, I did. Until the accident... Though it wasn't my fault! Those seven dwarves had no right to be on Main Street, even if there was some stupid parade.
Creamy: [whispering to the Avatar] See what I mean? Let's just wait for the next shuttle. Please....
Avatar: I've been searching for this stupid temple ever since Part I of the story. I am not going to wait now that I'm so close. Now come on, I'm sure it's perfectly safe.
Creamy: Isn't that what they said on the Hindenburg?
Narrator: The Avatar literally drags Creamy onto the bus and sits him in the front, where Dupre, Iolo, and Shamino are already sitting. The rest of the bus is filled with Brazilian tourists, each one brandishing a little Brazilian flag as if it was a weapon. One little Brazilian kid sneaks up behind Shamino and begins to whack him mercilessly with the flag. Creamy sinks into his seat, straps on his seatbelt, and whispers "There's no place like home," over and over to himself. The bus leaves the hotel and the bus becomes quiet, except for a few Brazilians humming "All Hail to the Busdriver." As Ramjep points out various serpent ruins, the Avatar naps peacefully and Shamino stares out the window, and notices something...
Shamino: Hey Iolo, what do you think that hooded figure dressed all in black and armed with a Firedoom Staff is doing on top of that mountain?
Iolo: Huh? [Iolo looks out the window] What are you talking about? There's nobody there. Shamino, you're such a spaz!
Shamino: [looking out the window] What the! But I saw it! I'm telling you, just a second ago I saw this figure.... Oh, forget it. You guys never believe me... [Shamino sulks]
Ramjep: Uh, guys... I don't know about any hooded figure, but those babes armed with triple crossbows standing in the middle of the road sure look real to me!!!!
Shamino: What!!!!
Creamy: We're all going to die! I knew it! I knew it!
Narrator: Shamino runs to the front of the bus and looks out the window, while Ramjep attempts to drive around the women.
Shamino: Aiyeeee! You're right. Avatar, Avatar, wake up!!!! We're under attack!
Avatar: Not again...
Narrator: With a sleepy yawn and a lot of stretching the Avatar wakes up. Meanwhile, as Ramjep attempts to swerve around them, the women fire their crossbows, puncturing the bus' tires and sending the bus skidding off the road. The bus tips over and does several rolls; an ungodly number of Brazilians and their flags are thrown about the bus. Once the bus stops, rightside up, there is a huge jumble of Brazilians in the aisle and strewn over the seats. Ramjep unbuckles his seatbelt and stands up, slightly dizzy.
Ramjep: Is everybody all right?
Avatar: Yeah, I think so... once the world stops spinning everything will be just swell. [The Avatar falls flat on his face, into a pile of Brazilians]
Narrator: Shamino looks out the window; three women are quickly approaching the bus, crossbows fully loaded, while seven others surround the crash site.
Shamino: This looks like a job for.... Captain Huggies!
Narrator: Shamino crawls out a window and runs to a cluster of nearby serpent ruins to change into his costume. He whips out his costume and is about to change when he feels the tip of a flag poking him in the ribs. He turns around and sees the same little Brazilian kid that had been whacking him with the flag on the bus. The kid looks up with puppy dog eyes and smiles shyly.
Shamino: Uh... I don't mean to be rude kid, but I'm a bit busy right now. Why don't you go back to the bus.
Brazilian Kid: [with a slight Brazilian accent] Because it's about to be hijacked! Sheesh, I don't have a deathwish. Besides, I want to help you fight those nasty ladies.
Shamino: Ohhhh, that's so sweet. But you're just a kid, it would be safer if you stayed here, while I got rid of those evil ladies. There's not much you could do against them, except maybe whack them with your... Wait a minute. [Shamino grins evilly]
Narrator: Shamino whispers a few things to the little kid. The boy nods and with a wicked smile, sneaks back to the bus. Meanwhile, back on the bus, a gorgeous woman with platinum blonde hair and clad in a tightfitting blue jumpsuit boards the bus. A couple more gorgeous brunette women follow her in and make sure nobody causes any trouble.
Ramjep: Wh-wh-what do you want with us?
Woman: [with a heavy Swedish accent] With you? Absolutely nothing. Give us the Avatar and we will let you be on your way.
Narrator: The woman walks down the aisle and turns over the Avatar, who is flopped face down on a pile of Brazilians.
Avatar: [still a bit out of it] Whoa baby! What are you? A member of the Swedish ski team or something? You are gorgeous!
Narrator: The woman slaps the Avatar senseless and drags him to his feet.
Woman: You make me sick! You filthy chauvinist pig! And ja, I used to be a member of the Swedish ski team, but I found I could make better money as a mercenary. My compatriots and I are now known as... THE SWEDISH SKI MERCENARIES!
Avatar: Catchy... I like it.
Woman: And my name is Ingrid! Not "baby"! You disgusting lowlife worm!
Avatar: I guess that means you wouldn't be interested in a date, would you?
Narrator: The woman once again slaps the Avatar senseless, leaving a big red palmprint on his cheek.
Avatar: Ouchie... I'll take that as a no...
Narrator: The woman drags the Avatar off the bus and the other women follow close behind. Once outside, one woman is left to guard the entrance to the bus while the others tie the Avatar up. They then thrown him to the ground, whip out death scythes, maces, lightning whips, morning stars, clubs, and any other weapon that would really, really hurt a lot, and leap at the Avatar, clubbing him like a heartless Norwegian hunter would club a cute innocent baby seal. In their bloodthirsty zeal, they fail to notice a little kid who sneaks back onto the bus.
Ingrid: No mercy, ladies! But remember our orders, we're to capture him alive.
Avatar: Then why the hell are you beating me to a bloody pulp!!!!
Ingrid: Don't worry, we won't kill you. [Ingrid grins happily] Our employer specifically said that you should know fear, then pain, then death. We're only responsible for the fear and pain, our employer will handle the last part.
Avatar: Oh, that's just swell.
Captain Huggies: [flying out of a group of serpent ruins and hovering over the women] Fear not Avatar, I shall save you from these evil, blood thirsty, women!
Avatar: Oh great. Not this weirdo again.
Narrator: The women look up and crack up laughing.
Ingrid: Who's this loser? Helga! Heidi! Get him!
Captain Huggies: Yikes!
Narrator: Captain Huggies manages to dodge them all and fires back with a bunch of nasty diapers!
Heidi and Helga: Aiyeee!!! Help!!!! The horror! The horror! Quick! Get some lysol!
Narrator: Heidi and Helga pass out. Ingrid orders a retreat. The Swedish Ski Mercenaries retreat to a cluster of serpent ruins and fire off more crossbow bolts. Captain Huggies artfully dodges each one.
Captain Huggies: What's the matter, ladies? Can't get me?
Narrator: Ingrid puts away her triple crossbow and takes out another gun. She aims, fires, and a net comes flying out. It wraps around Captain Huggies and he drops to the ground like a rock.
Ingrid: Ha! Now you shall die!
Narrator: The Swedish Ski Mercenaries converge on him. The minute their backs are turned to the bus, Captain Huggies gives the signal...
Captain Huggies: NOW!
Narrator: Brazilians come streaming out of the bus, armed to the teeth with little Brazilian flags and cameras. They quickly overwhelm the women and whack them mercilessly with their flags and cameras until they're black and blue. Captain Huggies frees himself from the net and prevents several of the mercenaries from firing their triple crossbows at the Brazilians.
Ingrid: Ooo! Ow! Retreat! Retreat! There's too many! Ouchie! Owie!!!
Narrator: The Swedish Ski Mercenaries grab their fallen comrades and run away. Captain Huggies goes over to check on the Avatar, while the Brazilians savor their victory.
Captain Huggies: Avatar, are you all right?
Avatar: [covered in cuts and bruises] Do I look all right? Why didn't you come two minutes sooner!!!! Your timing really sucks! Now untie me!
Captain Huggies: Sheesh, talk about being ungrateful. Nevertheless, I have once again saved good, law-abiding people from harm! And one really ungrateful lech! [ Shamino stares straight at the Avatar]
Narrator: The Brazilians gather around Captain Huggies and cheer loudly.
Brazilians: Our hero!!!!! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
Narrator: Captain Huggies smiles modestly and flies away, leaving the Avatar still tied up. Minutes later, Shamino returns to the bus. The Avatar has been untied and Creamy is fishing a large number of band-aids and antiseptic out of his backpack. Ramjep is surveying the damage to the bus and the Brazilians are milling about, taking pictures of the wrecked bus.
Dupre: Where the hell have you been, Shamino! Chicken out again?
Shamino: I... went to look for a payphone to call for some help...
Iolo: Sure Shamino, whatever you say, you're such a wimp!
Creamy: Well don't worry about it Shamino, I called the hotel with my cellphone. They're sending another bus out to take us to the temple.
Narrator: About ten minutes later, a tow truck and another bus arrive. The Avatar, his companions, and all the Brazilians pile in. Creamy takes one look at the busdriver and gives her a huge hug.
Creamy: [sighing in relief] Tempest!!!!! I'm soooooo happy that you're driving this bus. You're such a wonderful, friendly, skilled... SAFE busdriver.
Tempest: I'm happy to see you too. Now do me a favor dear, and let go, I can't drive the bus if I have a dragon clinging to me.
Creamy: Oh yeah... [sheepish grin]
Narrator: Everybody settles down, with only the Avatar still whining about getting his butt kicked by a bunch of women. The bus is just getting on its way when Shamino feels the tip of a flag poke him in the ribs.
Shamino: [whispering] Hey kid, thanks for the help back there, I couldn't have done it without you.
Brazilian Kid: No problem. You know, for a guy who wears purple tights and his pink underwear on the outside you're pretty cool.
Shamino: Uh, thanx. Oh, and would you do me a favor, don't tell anybody about my secret identity.
Brazilian Kid: As if anybody would believe me. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.
Shamino: Thanx, kid. Here, have this, as a token of my gratitude. [Shamino gives him a pack full of Pez and a gift certificate to the Outback Steakhouse]
Narrator: The kid grins happily and runs back to his seat, popping large amounts of Pez into his mouth.
Iolo: Hey, has anybody seen the pack of Pez I stole at the Quickie Mart? It was in my backpack just a minute ago...
Narrator: The rest of the trip goes by without incident. Tempest pulls up to the temple and everybody piles out of the bus. The Brazilians immediately start to take pictures and snatch up penguins to take home as souvenirs. The Avatar runs out and kisses the ground.
Avatar: YES!!!!! FINALLY!!!! We're he-ere! We're he-ere!
Narrator: The Avatar and companions do a little happy dance, while the Brazilians give them all really strange looks.
Dupre: OK, we're finally at the Temple of Enthusiasm, now what?
Avatar: [stopping his little happy dance] What? I, uh, never thought about that... I guess we, er, um...
Creamy: Search the Temple of Enthusiasm to see if Batlin and his goons are there?
Avatar: Yeah! Exactly! I was going to say that...
Narrator: A pretty brunette tourguide approaches them, her nametag reads, "Bobby Jo."
Bobby Jo: Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you that the tour will be starting soon.
Avatar: Oh, it's OK. We're going in by ourselves.
Bobby Jo: I wouldn't suggest that, sir. The Temple of Enthusiasm is a very dangerous place. If you don't stay on the tour route you could be hurt, or even killed.
Avatar: Look lady, I am the Avatar. You know, paragon of virtue, savior of Britannia, vanquisher of evil, supreme studmuffin, etc., etc.
Narrator: The Avatar's companions roll their eyes and groan.
Shamino: Here he goes again. If he starts singing, "I am the Very Model of a Major Modern Avatar..." just shoot me.
Avatar: I have defeated the likes of Mondain, Exodus, the Shadowlords, and the Guardian, I have traversed the galaxy and visited worlds that you can't even begin to imagine...
Iolo: He has slept with women, he has stolen more stuff than all the thieves in Britannia combined...
Avatar: I have come face to face with huge, fearsome beasts, such as dragons, harpies...
Shamino: His ego... [snicker]
Avatar: I think I can handle a little walk through the Temple of Enthusiasm.
Bobby Jo: Go ahead, if you're absolutely sure. It's your life that's in danger after all. Just sign this form and I'll let you be on your way.
Narrator: Bobby Jo whips out a release form and the Avatar signs. The Avatar then leaves the tour group behind. The tourguide leads the Brazilians into a well-lit, immaculately kept hallway, fully carpeted and lined with torches. After a brief search, the Avatar and companions find a set of crumbling stairs that lead downwards into the murky darkness. Cobwebs and dust fill the passage.
Dupre: Avatar, I don't want to go this way, it looks like nobody's been here for centuries. Let's go with the tourguide, please.
Avatar: No! That's not how we do it! We're adventurers! We find the most dangerous, frequently avoided route, and take it. Now come on... [the Avatar takes a few steps, then pauses] Uh, would anybody happen to have a torch?
Iolo: I have a bic lighter.
Creamy: I have the flashlight that Kosh gave me!
Avatar: Gimme the flashlight.
Narrator: Creamy hands him the flashlight and the Avatar turns it on. Dupre immediately begins to make little shadow figures on the wall.
Avatar: Stop it Dupre!
Dupre: Oh, but don't you want to see my wittle bunny wabbit? I do a great bunny wabbit...
Avatar: No! Now let's go.
Narrator: The Avatar takes a step forward and triggers a trap. The floor slides out from under them. They fall for seconds, then suddenly hit bottom with a tremendous thud. Creamy's flashlight falls to the ground with a clatter and shuts off, leaving them in total, pitch black darkness.
Iolo: Owwwww, I think I broke my hip.
Dupre: You know, it's really, really, dark in here. What if there's monsters in here, or something worse?
Avatar: There aren't any monsters in here. Except for that one right behind you, Dupre.
Dupre: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Where! Where!!!
Avatar: Haha! Loser! Can't believe you fell for that.
Dupre: Why you!
Narrator: Dupre leaps towards where he heard the Avatar. And ends up slamming right into Creamy.
Creamy: Owwww!!! Hey, no fair, I didn't do anything to you.
Dupre: Sorry.
Shamino: Oh surrrrre Avatar, we don't need to follow the tour route. You're the Avatar after all, paragon of virtue, savior of Britannia, and vanquisher of evil. You know precisely what you're doing....
Avatar: Oh shut up Shamino!!!!
Narrator: A sudden quiet descends on them all as they realize that they have no idea where they are...
Avatar: Uh, can we have some light in here?
Dupre: Please! I'm kinda scared of the dark.
Creamy: Hold on, I know my flashlight is around here somewhere...
Iolo: Hey Avatar, why don't you cast a light spell?
Avatar: I can't read the spellbook in the dark, you moron!
Dupre: Does anybody have a nightlight? I don't feel safe in the dark without my nightlight.
Narrator: Creamy turns on the flashlight and looks around. They are in a small, perfectly square room, with no visible exits. Serpent runes cover the walls.
Avatar: Oh great... lemme guess... there's a secret exit. [yawn] You'd think the old secret door trick would have gotten a bit old by now. Hey Iolo, can you translate those runes, they might give us a clue as to where the secret exit is.
Narrator: Iolo whips out his Rand McNally guide to Serpent Isle and begins to translate...
Iolo: "Let it be known that upon these walls is written the eternal wisdom of the great Chaos priests..." Hold on, having a bit of trouble translating this part... OK... I think I can make sense of it... "I see a little silouhetto of a man. Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the fandango? Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me! Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro... Magnifico-o-o-o! I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me. He's just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity!" [Iolo looks completely befuddled] How strange. What do you think it could mean?
Avatar: I have nooooo idea.... What else does it say?
Iolo: It says, "The eternal wisdom of the great Chaos priests can be heard April 23 to May 10, at the Serpent Isle Arena."
Avatar: Anything else?
Iolo: Yeah, but it's just some graffiti.
Avatar: Tell me what its says anyway, you never know...
Iolo: OK, OK,... let's see... there's "Tori Rules!," "Aaron is a weenie," "Mondain for President," and "For a good time call Lord British."
Avatar: Well, that doesn't help us one bit.
Narrator: Just then, they hear the sound of stone grinding against stone and a blast of fresh air hits them. A secret passageway opens up and two automatons armed with swords step out.
Automaton: [in a really bright, cheery voice] Hallo there! How are you today? Hope everything is just swell!
Avatar: Uh... hi. Thanks for opening up that passageway. Now if you'll excuse us, we have some work to do.
Narrator: The Avatar takes a step forward and the automatons point their swords right at him.
Avatar: Then again, maybe I should stay right here.
Narrator: The automatons nod happily.
Automaton: Yes! Please do stay! We'd really, really, really appreciate it if you did!
Avatar: What do you want?
Automaton: Why, to kill you of course! Isn't that just the neatest!!!! [The automaton practically bounces with joy]
Avatar: From my point of view, it's not that great. Actually, it sucks big time.
Automaton: Ohhhhh, well, that's too bad. We're really sorry that you don't like it. But don't worry, look on the bright side. Try to see the glass as half full, not half empty.... every cloud has a silver lining! The grass is always greener on the other side! Now let's go, go, go! We don't want to be late for your execution! No, we don't. No sirree!
Narrator: The automatons escort them out of the room and down a series of winding hallways.
Avatar: You know, you guys are really...
Automatons: [in unison] Enthusiastic?
Avatar: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of psychotically happy.
Automatons: Well, we are the guards of the Temple of Enthusiasm, it's our duty to be really, really, really enthusiastic about everything we do!
Creamy: [to the Avatar] Wonder if there's a bunch of Vulcans at the Temple of Logic.
Shamino: [whispering to Creamy] Pssst! I have an idea on how to get away...
Narrator: Shamino whispers his plan to Creamy.
Creamy: What type of stupid plan is that?
Shamino: Can you think of anything better?
Creamy: OK, OK, fine... I'll get the C-4 ready....
Narrator: The automatons take them to a torture chamber, filled with thumbscrews, racks, iron maidens, and tv reruns of "Full House." The Avatar stares around in horror.
Avatar: Uh... you're not going to use those things on me, are you!!!??? [whimper]
Automatons: Sure we are!!! First we're going to beat you up like a pinata! Then, we're going to pluck off your arms like a vicious little kid would pluck off the legs of a daddy-longlegs! And finally... have you ever seen that scene in "Casino" when the guy's head is squeezed in the vise?
Avatar: Uh yeah... [whimper]
Narrator: The automatons nod happily.
Avatar: [whimper] This really sucks...
Automatons: And while we do all that, we'll make you listen to Disco!!!!
Avatar: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Narrator: Everybody gasps in horror.
Dupre: Isn't that specifically outlawed in the Geneva Convention?
Shamino: [whispering to Creamy] OK, I'll distract them, while you prep the explosives.
Creamy: No problemo.
Shamino: So, are all the automatons here as enthusiastic as you two?
Automaton: Most definitely!!! Yes! Yes! Yes! Well, actually... there is one exception... Automaton #2: Yeah, Marvin... He's depressed all the time. Not enthusiastic at all. But everybody else here is hap-hap- happy!!!!
Narrator: While the automatons are busy talking about how enthusiastic everybody at the temple is, Creamy searches his backpack and puts together some high-power explosives. He then sets a fuse and gives the signal to Shamino.
Shamino: Hey, look over there! It's a bunch of furry white kittens wearing cute wittle pink bows!
Automatons: Ohhhhhh, how cute, cute, cute!!!! Where?!
Narrator: The second the automatons turn their heads to look, Creamy throws the explosives and the Avatar and companions make a break for it. The explosives land at the automatons' feet.
Automatons: Oh joy! Oh happiness! We're going to be blown to bits!
Narrator: With an incredible blast, the explosives turn them into Radio Shack spare parts. Their two heads are the only parts left intact.
Severed Automaton Head: Hey, we're dead!!! Severed Automaton Head #2: Isn't it the coolest!!!
Narrator: Creamy high-fives Shamino and they head away from the torture chamber. After a bit of searching the Avatar finds a hidden switch.
Avatar: Gee, look.. it's a hidden switch. Who would've thought...
Narrator: The Avatar rolls his eyes and flips the switch. A secret door slides open and they go through. They step into a well-lighted, fully carpeted hallway. There are several plaques on the walls. One details the history of the Temple of Enthusiasm, the other says that "Bottles of the Water of Enthusiasm and related souvenirs can be bought at the gift shop," and the last one says, "Fountain of Enthusiasm, straight ahead."
Dupre: Told you we should've taken the tour route!!!
Avatar: D'owe!
Narrator: The Avatar and companions follow the sign. Soon, they here Batlin's grating voice up ahead.
Avatar: Shhhhh, now be quiet. We don't want him to know we're here.
Narrator: They tiptoe down the hallway and come upon the central chamber of the Temple of Enthusiasm. Batlin is there, along with his goons, Brunt, Deadeye the pirate, and Palos the gargoyle. In the middle of the chamber is a sparkling fountain with a gold plate that reads, "Water of Enthusiasm." They sneak into the chamber unnoticed and hide behind a pillar.
Creamy: [whispering] Where's Chunky? Oh, I hope he's all right. If Batlin did anything to Chunky I swear I'll barbecue him.
Avatar: Don't worry Creamy, we'll get your friend back. Now, here's the plan... I'll get close enough to them for me to be able to cast a Mass Sleep spell. The moment they're asleep, you guys help me tie them up. Then once they wake up, we'll question Batlin and find out where's Chunky.
Dupre: Excellent plan. I love it! We don't have to risk our lives at all. Nice and safe.
Narrator: The Avatar quietly sneaks over, when suddenly, Creamy's cellphone starts to ring. Avatar, Iolo, Shamino, and Dupre: PICK IT UP!!!
Narrator: Creamy immediately picks it up but it is too late, Batlin and his goons have heard the ringing.
Creamy: [talking on the phone] No! I do not want to switch to AT∓mp;T! Look, this is a really, really bad time to call. [Creamy hangs up]
Narrator: Before the Avatar and companions can draw their weapons and attack, Batlin casts a Mass Sleep spell on them and they all fall fast asleep. Sometime later...
Brunt: Avatar, wake up!
Narrator: Brunt gives the Avatar a nasty kick. With a start, the Avatar wakes up and looks around. He is still in the central chamber. He has been tied up with rope, as has the rest of his companions. The rest of his party is still asleep. Dupre is snoring loudly and Shamino is curled up in a little ball, sucking his thumb. Brunt walks around and wakes each one up. Batlin then swaggers over and stands over the Avatar.
Batlin: Haha Avatar, so you thought you could defeat me!
Avatar: Yeah.
Batlin: Haha, loser!!! Now why don't you just sit back and relax, and watch on helplessly as I destroy Serpent Isle! Muhahahaha!
Iolo: Hey! Wait a minute! I've read the Serpent Isle hintbook and you're not supposed to do that at this stage of the game!
Batlin: I'm a bad guy, you moron! I'll do whatever I damn well please! After all, we're not supposed to play by the rules! I thought everybody knew that! Hmph, you all are such a bunch of pitiful, spineless wimps!
Avatar: At least *I* had the guts to face you myself! I didn't need to send a bunch of really evil, yet drop-dead gorgeous, women to do my dirty work for me!
Batlin: What?
Avatar: You know, the Swedish Ski Mercenaries....
Batlin: Nooooo, I don't know.
Avatar: What do you mean you don't know!!! Don't you remember Ingrid, Heidi, Helga... You know, a bunch of babes in tightfitting blue jumpsuits, armed with triple crossbows....
Batlin: Listen to me Avatar, if I had sent a bunch of sexy babes out to kill you, I think I would've remembered it.
Avatar: Uh.... so you didn't send them?
Batlin: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. How many times do I have to say it before it gets through your thick skull!!!!
Avatar: But if you didn't send them, then who did?
Narrator: A hooded figure dressed in black steps out of the shadows. Behind the figure stand the Swedish Ski Mercenaries.
Hooded Figure: I did! You two-timing sonuvabitch!
Narrator: The figure lowers its hood to reveal...
Avatar: N-n-n-Nastassia.... [nervous laugh] Honey pie, dearest, what are you doing here? [gulp]
Narrator: Nastassia walks over to the Avatar and slams the firedoom staff into him. He crumples to the floor.
Nastassia: So, what have you been up to? Besides sleeping around with just about every slut you could get your hands on!!!
Avatar: What are you talking about dearest? [nervous laugh] You know you're the only one I love.
Nastassia: Don't try to lie to me! I might've believed your sorry excuses before... "Really Nastassia, I don't know how those lipstick stains got on my armour... I can't imagine why that buxom blonde that works at the Baths was winking at me... Honestly, I have no idea how those lacy pink strawberry-flavored edible panties got in my backpack..." but not anymore!!! Just because I spend my whole life at the Shrine of Compassion guarding a freakin' ring, doesn't mean I'm stupid!
Avatar: Oh come on honey, I'm telling the truth! I would never sleep with another woman.
Nastassia: Oh yeah! [turning to one of the Swedish Ski Mercenaries] Heidi, bring them in!!!!
Narrator: Heidi runs off and quickly returns, dragging in Lucilla and Frigidazzi in shackles. At the sight of Nastassia, the two of them cringe and whimper pitifully. At the sight of Lucilla and Frigidazzi, the Avatar cringes and whimpers pitifully.
Nastassia: Now Avatar, you were saying...
Avatar: I can explain!!! Really, I can...
Narrator: Nastassia crosses her arms and glares at him expectantly....
Nastassia: Oh yeah?
Narrator: Meanwhile, Batlin sits back, whips out a bowl of popcorn, and enjoys the show. With everybody's attention fixed on the Avatar and Nastassia, Creamy starts to cut the rope with his razor sharp dragon claws.
Avatar: Really! You see... I... um... I... had to do it! Yeah, that's the ticket.... I had to do it. The Great Earth Serpent made me do it! It's one of those Avatar things, you wouldn't understand.
Iolo: Actually Avatar... [Iolo whips out a copy of the Serpent Isle hintbook that he stole from one of the Dragons] It says right here on page 69 about Frigidazzi... "become intimate with her only if you desire."
Avatar: Iolo?
Iolo: Yes?
Avatar: SHUT UP!!!!!
Nastassia: Oh please Avatar, your excuses are truly pitiful! I have pictures, I have you on videotape [Nastassia whips out a VHS cassette], I have the two women you slept with who are more than willing to talk... [turning her icy glare towards Lucilla and Frigidazzi] Right, ladies?
Lucilla and Frigidazzi: [nodding meekly] Yes, Nastassia. Just don't hurt us! Please! We're sorry! We didn't know... [whimper]
Nastassia: [continuing where she left off] ...and I had you under surveillance, I knew every move you made from the minute your ship left port. I'm no fool, I knew you would get into trouble so far away from Britannia, where word of your little adventures couldn't get back to me!
Avatar: There's no way you could have done that, I would've known if someone was following me!
Nastassia: Don't be so arrogant, Avatar! I have my ways...
Avatar: Oh yeah! There's no way you could've know my every move unless...
Narrator: The Avatar turns around and stares at his companions.
Avatar: OK, who sold me out?!!
Creamy: Not me! I wasn't even in this story until Part 3.
Narrator: Iolo and Shamino shake their heads. The Avatar stares at Dupre, who is doing his best to look inconspicuous.
Avatar: Dupre?!
Dupre: I'm sorry Avatar! [sniffle] I couldn't help myself! She offered me a six-pack of beer! [sniff] [sob]
Avatar: What! You sold me out for beer!
Dupre: But it was really good beer.
Avatar: Is our friendship worth less than a six-pack of beer?
Dupre: Well, yes.
Narrator: The Avatar groans and shakes his head. Meanwhile, Creamy has broken through his bonds and is now busily working on Shamino's.
Nastassia: So Avatar, you admit it?
Avatar: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You happy now?
Nastassia: [with a wicked smile] Not quite, Snugglekins. You're dreamin' if you think I'm done with you yet.
Batlin and his goons: Snugglekins!!!! Whahahahaha!
Narrator: With Batlin and his goons rolling around on the floor laughing, Creamy and Shamino untie Iolo and Dupre.
Avatar: Yeah, whatever Nastassia. Sheesh, you're so melodramatic. Now why don't you let Lucilla and Frigidazzi go and I'll take you out to the Outback Steakhouse for dinner to make it up to you.
Nastassia: Oh, no. They're punishment has just begun.... [turning to Ingrid] Ingrid, get Sister Mary Michael Joseph Clarence in here.
Narrator: Ingrid brings in an elderly nun, her face stern and cold.
Nastassia: Ladies, meet Sister Mary Michael Joseph Clarence, head of the "Our Blessed Lady's Convent for the Reformation of Wayward Women." Have fun there... [turning to the nun] Sister, they're all yours.
Lucilla and Frigidazzi: Noooooooooo!!!!!!
Narrator: Nastassia waves bye-bye to the two of them as Sister Mary Michael Joseph Clarence grabs their chains and drags them away, literally kicking and screaming.
Narrator: Nastassia cackles in insane glee.
Nastassia: Now, it's your turn my love. Ladies! KILL HIM!!!!
Batlin: [falling to the floor and cracking up in laughter] Hey, she's going to do the whole job for us! Great!
Narrator: Creamy reaches over and breaks the Avatar's bonds.
Avatar: [standing up and drawing his sword] OK, that's it! I've had it! Come on guys, let's show these babes who's boss.
Narrator: Iolo and Dupre whimper and run away. Shamino runs off to become Captain Huggies, leaving just the Avatar and Creamy.
Avatar: If I don't make it out alive Creamy, I just want you to know that you can have my CD collection.
Creamy: Gee, thanks Avatar, that's really nice of you. But right now I don't know if *I'm* going to make it out alive.
Creamy: What do you suggest we do?
Avatar: [gulp] Run away!!!!
Deadeye: [to Batlin] Should we follow them?
Batlin: Nah, let the Swedish Ski Mercenaries finish the Avatar off for us.
Narrator: The Avatar and Creamy head down a dark hallway with the Swedish Ski Mercenaries hot on their heels.
Creamy: Now what?
Avatar: We hide.
Creamy: That's not very virtuous.
Avatar: Neither is dying.
Narrator: The Avatar and Creamy find a janitor's closet and squeeze in. They leave the door open a tiny crack and watch quietly as the Swedish Ski Mercenaries pass them by.
Avatar: OK, now we sneak up behind the last one and grab her, then the next one, and the next, and the next... Until there's only a couple left and we can whack the hell out of them.
Narrator: The Avatar and Creamy sneak up quietly behind the women and manage to grab two of them before they notice.
Ingrid: There they are! Get them!
Narrator: The Swedish Ski Mercenaries whirl around and prepare to fire.
Avatar: Hey ladies! Look! It's Fabio in a "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" commercial!
Swedish Ski Mercenaries: Where! Where! Where!
Narrator: While they're distracted, Creamy slams into them with his tail and the Avatar jumps into the fray and whacks them unconscious with the back of his sword.
Avatar: All right! Finally! Something's going my way!
Narrator: A flaming blue fireball misses the Avatar by inches and slams into the wall, sending debris flying in all directions.
Avatar: Yikes!
Nastassia: You might've gotten rid of my mercenaries! But you haven't gotten rid of me! Meanwhile, back in the Central Chamber...
Narrator: Except for Batlin and his goons, the chamber is completely deserted. Batlin is reviewing his spellbook and putting together the needed reagents for a magic ritual that will destroy Serpent Isle. Captain Huggies flies into the chamber, intent on stopping him.
Captain Huggies: I am Captain Huggies! Defender of Britannia and the Bedwetting Way! Oh, and Serpent Isle too. I shall right wrongs and stop evil lardballs like you, Batlin! Prepare to eat diaper!
Batlin: Whahahahaha! What a loser! What a gimp! I haven't seen anything so pitiful since that stupid shrimpy chihuahua I killed back at the hotel!!! Whahahahahaha!!!
Captain Huggies: Wait a minute. *You* killed my poor little sweet Jezebel! You monster!!!! [Captain Huggies takes out a diaper and aims] My name is Captain Huggies, you killed my chihuahua, prepare to die.
Narrator: Captain Huggies sends a dirty diaper hurtling at Batlin with deadly accuracy. Batlin casts a shield spell and blocks it just in time. He immediately fires back with one of his own energy blast spells... Meanwhile, back in the poorly lit hallway...
Nastassia: Come out, come out, wherever you are Avatar... You can't hide forever... [maniacal laugh]
Narrator: Creamy and the Avatar are squished in a crawl space, desperately trying to hide from Nastassia.
Creamy: Avatar?
Avatar: Yes, Creamy?
Creamy: Your taste in women really sucks.
Avatar: How was I supposed to know she'd turn out to be this psychotic?
Nastassia: Fine, if you want to be a wimp, then I'll just have to resort to more drastic measures...
Narrator: Nastassia whips out a steaming, hot Cinnabon, oozing with frosting and Makarra cinnamon.
Nastassia: Mmmmmmmmm, look at this delicious Cinnabon, fresh out of the oven. Mmmm, smell that Makarra cinnamon, it's soooooo good. And look at allllll that frosting.... it's oh so yummy. [sigh] Somebody better eat it soon, or it's going to go to waste...
Creamy: [fixating on the Bon] Avatar, she's got a Cinnabon.
Avatar: Be strong, Creamy.
Creamy: But Avatar, it's a *CINNABON*.
Narrator: Nastassia walks past the crawlspace and Creamy gets a whiff of the Bon.
Creamy: [straining to restrain himself] MUST.... HAVE.... BON... Can't... resist... Too powerful... My will is... weakening... Arghhhhh! I MUST HAVE BON!
Narrator: Creamy races out of the crawlspace and lunges for the Bon.
Nastassia: Haha! No dragon can resist a Bon!
Narrator: Nastassia stuns Creamy with a blast from her firedoom staff and he flops to the floor.
Nastassia: Now, it's your turn Avatar.
Avatar: Fine, if you insist. [The Avatar draws his sword] I didn't want to fight you, but you've left me no choice.
Narrator: Nastassia fires off a blast from her firedoom staff. The Avatar's sword is incinerated in an instant.
Avatar: Uh-oh.
Narrator: The Avatar races down the hallway. After several twists and turns, he comes to a dead end. He turns around and tries to go the other way but it's too late, Nastassia is already closing in. The Avatar looks about frantically and sees a glass case embedded in the wall. Inside the case, an object glows with a pale golden hue. Besides the case is a hammer and a plaque that says, "In case of emergency, break glass."
Avatar: This definitely counts as an emergency!
Narrator: The Avatar breaks the glass and pulls out the object. He stares in awe at the six-foot, slightly curly, noodle that he is holding. It glows with power and feels as if it has a life of its own. A tiny tag is attached to one end that reads, "Legendary Wet Noodle of Death. Machine Wash In Warm Water, Bleach When Needed, Tumble Dry. Do Not Iron. 100% Noodle."
Avatar: All right!!!! Now it's time to kick some irate girlfriend butt!!!!
Avatar: Oh Nastassia....
Narrator: Nastassia steps out of the shadows, her firedoom staff casting an eerie light in the hallway.
Nastassia: Ah, I see you have finally accepted your inevitable death.
Narrator: Nastassia lowers her staff and prepares to fire.
Avatar: Not quite babe!!! I have a Wet Noodle of Death, and I know how to use it...
Narrator: In a flash, the Wet Noodle of Death wraps around Nastassia's staff and the Avatar yanks it from her hands. He then cracks the Wet Noodle of Death inches away from her face. Nastassia winces and takes a step back.
Avatar: Now, why don't we forget about this whole crazy incident? Come on, I'll take you out to dinner and get you whatever you want.
Nastassia: You'll get me *whatever* I want?
Avatar: Whatever it takes to make it up to you, dear.
Nastassia: I want your head severed from your body!!!!
Avatar: Uh, anything but that! [gulp]
Nastassia: Prepare to die!
Narrator: The Avatar wraps the Wet Noodle of Death around Nastassia's legs and yanks her off her feet.
Avatar: I don't think so. Give it up, Nastassia. You've lost.
Nastassia: You haven't defeated me yet! For I have the... MACARONI OF ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION!!!!!
Narrator: Nastassia whips out a foot long macaroni that glows with magical power. With a flick of her wrist, the macaroni launches into the air and slams into the Avatar, throwing him to the ground, it then boomerangs back, returning to Nastassia's outstretched hand.
Avatar: I am sick and tired of getting beat up!!!!
Narrator: The Avatar leaps to his feet and swings the Wet Noodle of Death straight at Nastassia. It whacks her with full force. Nastassia staggers back. Before she can counterattack, the Avatar whacks her again, and again, and again. He keeps on whacking her with the Wet Noodle of Death until she falls to the ground, stunned but not hurt. The Avatar takes in a deep breath, and decides to give her one more whack just for good measure. As he swings the Wet Noodle of Death, Nastassia lifts up her Macaroni of Ultimate Destruction at the last possible moment. The Wet Noodle of Death wraps tight around the Macaroni and with a strong tug, Nastassia pulls the Avatar off his feet. He falls flat on his face and Nastassia takes the offensive.
Nastassia: Now its my turn! Meanwhile, back at the Central Chamber... or to be more precise, what is left of the Central Chamber...
Narrator: The chamber is in ruins. Most of the pillars have been reduced to rubble and the walls are cracked and altogether missing in some places. Diapers are strewn all over the place. Batlin and Captain Huggies continue to fight in a virtual stalemate, with each one taking cover behind a shattered pillar.
Captain Huggies: Give it up Batlin! You can't keep on fighting forever! Sooner or later your mana is going to run out!
Batlin: I'll never surrender to a guy who wears a diaper!!!
Narrator: But despite his words, Batlin knows Captain Huggies is right. Sooner or later his mana will run out.
Batlin: Enough of this. [turning to Deadeye] Bring in some of the hostages!
Captain Huggies: Uh, hostages?
Batlin: [laughing evilly] Yes! And if you dare throw another one of your diapers at me, I'll kill them all! Now back off!
Narrator: Deadeye brings in Chunky Dragon, Bobby Jo the tourguide, and one of the Brazilian tourists.
Batlin: And I have lots more where they came from! Now, back off!
Captain Huggies: All right, all right. I'll back off. Just don't hurt the hostages.
Batlin: Now watch as I unleash a force powerful enough to destroy Serpent Isle...
Deadeye: Spam?
Batlin: No! Now shut up!
Narrator: As Batlin begins to chant, a ring of blue flame springs up around him. He mixes the reagents together, then casts the spell...
Batlin: Kal Vas Richie Mir Corp!!!!!
Narrator: Upon hearing the spell, everybody's eyes widen in horror.
Captain Huggies: You fiend! What have you done! You're insane!
Batlin: Haha! Nobody can stop me now! Serpent Isle will be destroyed! [diabolical bad guy laughter]
Deadeye: Sheesh, you could've used an Armageddon Spell, it would've been less destructive.
Narrator: As Captain Huggies watches on helplessly, one sickeningly cute Richie bear pops out of thin air. Then another. Then a couple more. Then even more... Soon hundreds of snow white bears are crammed into the Central Chamber. They bounce from side to side in perfect unison, with silly grins on their furry faces.
Richie Bears: [in unison] Nganga! Nganga! Nganga! Nganga!
Narrator: When the last of them has popped out of thin air, Batlin points a chubby finger at Captain Huggies...
Batlin: Kill him!!!!
Narrator: The Richie bears pile on top of Captain Huggies and crush him with their incessant happy bouncing.
Captain Huggies: Arghhhhhhhhhhh! Nooooooooooooo! You fiend!!!! Helppppppppp!!!!
Narrator: With a lot of moaning and groaning, Creamy Dragon wakes up.
Creamy: [getting up off the floor] Ow, my head! I have a headache this big and it's screaming for Excedrin! Hey, what happened... last thing I remember I was... Oh no! The Avatar!
Narrator: Creamy runs down the hallway, searching for the Avatar. He finds Palos the Gargoyle and Brunt instead, standing outside a pair of locked doors. Palos and Brunt lunge at Creamy with their swords. Creamy barbecues them in an instant. Creamy then walks over to the doors, examines the lock, takes a few steps back, and breaks down the door with his massive body.
Creamy: There are definitely some advantages to being a dragon.
Narrator: Creamy finds a large number of frightened Brazilian tourists locked inside the room.
Creamy: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Brazilian tourist: Batlin kidnapped us and took us hostage!
Creamy: What a jerk! Well, don't worry, you're free to go now. By any chance have you guys seen a greyish-white dragon, similar to me, around here?
Narrator: The Brazilian tourists nod.
Brazilian Tourist: Yes! He was with us only a few minutes ago, but then one of Batlin's goons came and took him, the tourguide, and one of us away!
Creamy: [becoming anxious] Do you know what Batlin was planning to do with them?
Narrator: The Brazilian tourists shake their heads.
Creamy: All right, then. You guys get out of here and I'll get the others.
Narrator: The Brazilian tourists thank Creamy for rescuing them and run away to safety. Creamy then heads back to the Central Chamber to get Batlin. Meanwhile, back in the Central Chamber...
Narrator: Batlin cackles in insane glee as Captain Huggies is crushed by the Richie Bears. Meanwhile, Dupre and Iolo watch on in horror from their hiding place.
Dupre: I hate to say this Iolo, but I really think we should help that guy.
Iolo: Are you crazy!!!! Those aren't any ordinary happily psychotic bouncy white bears out there!!! Those are RICHIE Bears!!! You DON'T mess with those things!
Dupre: There's nothing worse than death by Richie Bear, we've got to do something. If those Richie Bears get out of the temple, there will be no end to the destruction and havoc they'll wreak on Serpent Isle. Look, I think I know a way to get rid of them without actually having to confront them. You still have all that food you stole from the Quickie Mart and the Salad Bar, right?
Iolo: Welllll, yes.
Dupre: Give me all the Jolt, Twinkies, Fruit Loops, Pez, and Marshmallows you've got.
Narrator: Iolo dumps out of his backpack all the stuff Dupre has asked for, until there is a huge sugary pile on the floor.
Dupre: [reaching for a six-pack of Jolt] Now, throw it to the Richie Bears, and don't stop, no matter what happens.
Iolo: What!!! Who's side are you on.
Dupre: I know what I'm doing. Just do it.
Narrator: Dupre shakes up a can of Jolt, opens it just a bit so that the Jolt is squirting out, then throws it into the pile of Richie Bears. Iolo shakes his head, opens up a box of Fruit Loops and throws it in. The Richie Bears quickly pounce on the sugary food and gobble it all up. After minutes of this, the Richie Bears become happier and bounce even more furiously than ever before.
Batlin: What the hell are those morons doing!!!
Iolo: Uh, Dupre, we're only making them happier.
Dupre: That's what I want! Just keeping giving them sugar.
Iolo: But if they bounce any harder they'll squish Captain Huggies for sure!
Dupre: Trust me!
Narrator: Dupre throws them another heap of Jolt and Twinkies. The Richie Bears go ballistic. They leap off of Captain Huggies, bouncing uncontrollably in all directions. They ricochet off the walls like furry white superballs, nothing more than psychotically grinning blurs.
Richie Bears: NGANGA! NGANGA! NGANGA! NGANGA!
Batlin: Take cover!
Narrator: Everybody dives for cover, trying to avoid being hit by a flying Richie bear.
Iolo: OK, we've saved Captain Huggies, but now we've got a bunch of crazy Richie Bears bouncing about the room!
Dupre: Keep giving them sugar!!!
Narrator: Just then, Creamy runs in. He throws himself to the floor, missing an oncoming Richie Bear by inches. He crawls toward Captain Huggies.
Creamy: Hey, Captain? You OK?
Captain Huggies: [looking slightly freaked out] Whoa, those Richie Bears are scarier than those goofy Grateful Dead bears. Yeah, I think I'll be all right, after a few years of therapy...
Creamy: By the way, I freed the other hostages.
Captain Huggies: You did! That's great! Now all we have to do is get the remaining three. If you can free the other hostages, I can take care of Batlin.
Creamy: No problemo! [Creamy slinks over to the hostages, doing his best not to be seen]
Narrator: Meanwhile, the Richie Bears continue to bounce faster and get happier. With a deafening sonic boom, they reach Mach 1.
Iolo: Aiyeeeeeeee! What have you done Dupre!!!!
Dupre: Exactly what I wanted to. Look!!!
Narrator: As Iolo looks up one particularly fast Richie Bear spontaneously combusts in mid-air, reduced to smoke, ash, and sugar.
Iolo: Spontaneous Combustion?
Narrator: Dupre nods happily, as several more Richie bears go up in poofs of smoke.
Dupre: Yep, they're expending so much energy that their internal body temperatures reach a point that even their furry little bodies can't handle, and when that happens... POOF!
Narrator: Dupre and Iolo cackle in insane glee.
Batlin: Nooooo! What have you done! I'm not finished yet...
Narrator: Batlin begins to cast the spell one more time...
Captain Huggies: Oh no you don't! Not again!
Batlin: I warned you! [turning to Deadeye] Kill the hostages!
Narrator: Creamy pounces on Deadeye before he can make a single move. He knocks him unconscious and frees the hostages.
Creamy: Chunky!
Chunky: Creamy! I knew you would save me!
Creamy: I'm so glad you're alive!
Dupre: Ohhhh, it's a Kodak moment.
Narrator: Creamy leads the hostages away from the warzone and shows them the way out of the Chamber, then returns to help fight. Once Captain Huggies is certain the hostages are safe, he knocks Batlin to the floor with a diaper, disrupting his spell in mid-sentence.
Batlin: You fool! Haven't you ever played Forge of Virtue??!! Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to disrupt a spell!
Captain Huggies: Uh, no.... Oopsie...
Narrator: True to Batlin's words, the spell begins to go haywire. Richie Bears partially materialize, then disappear, then reappear once again. Their fur turns lovely shades of chartreuse, magenta, lilac, and dayglo orange.
Captain Huggies: Whoa, psychedelic!
Narrator: There is a blinding flash of light. When everybody opens their eyes, a forty foot blue paisley Mega-Richie Bear is standing in the center of the chamber.
Creamy: Noooooooooo!!!!! Not paisley! Anything but paisley! [Creamy falls to the floor and twitches] Mega-Richie Bear: [in a booming voice that rocks the whole chamber] NGANGA! NGANGA! NGANGA!
Dupre: [oozing in sarcasm] Thanx a lot Captain Huggies.
Captain Huggies: Hey, it could've been worse. It could've been a forty foot Bill Gates.
Dupre: [shuddering] This is true.
Batlin: And what's even better! [laughing hysterically] Once the Mega-Richie Bear drinks from the Fountain of Enthusiasm, it will be totally, absolutely, 100% percent enthusiastic!!!! It'll be the happiest, most destructive Richie Bear ever known! It'll be unstoppable!!!!
Narrator: As Batlin speaks, the Mega-Richie Bear bends down and dips one paw in the water...
Captain Huggies: Oh no you don't! I won't let your diabolical plan succeed, Batlin!
Narrator: With inhuman strength, Captain Huggies lifts a shattered pillar and hurls it straight at the fountain, utterly destroying it! The obliteration of the fountain prevents the Richie Bear from drinking any of the water. Captain Huggies then launches another broken pillar into the air. It strikes the Mega-Richie Bear and pierces its chest. Strangely enough, no blood oozes out, only a gooey marshmallow filling. The Mega-Richie bear then slowly fades away, leaving in its place a rather surprised Pooh bear.
Captain Huggies: What the hell!
Dupre: Richie Bears don't die, they just fade away... and morph into Pooh bears I guess. [Dupre shrugs, looking slightly freaked out]
Pooh Bear: [looking slightly baffled] Oh bother. Rabbit's certainly not going to like this...
Narrator: Pooh Bear grabs his Hunny and toddles out of the chamber. Then Bobby Jo the Tourguide storms in, absolutely furious.
Bobby Jo: [yelling at Captain Huggies] What have you done, you incontinent moron! You just destroyed an irreplaceable, priceless treasure! How the hell do you expect us to attract tourists when the main attraction has been obliterated!
Captain Huggies: Sheesh, there's no need to have a cow. The Avatar does it all the time and never gets into any trouble. Besides, you can always rebuild it.
Narrator: Bobby Jo slaps him and storms off. As everybody's attention is on Bobby Jo, Batlin tries to sneak away, but Captain Huggies throws a diaper at him and knocks him to the ground.
Batlin: [yelling at Captain Huggies] You diaper-wearing gimp! I'll have my revenge! [sighing dejectedly] Oh well, at least Nastassia got rid of the Avatar for me.
Narrator: With a tremendous crash, the Macaroni of Ultimate Destruction explodes through the eastern wall. The Avatar and Nastassia tumble through the gaping hole left by the Macaroni, intent on defeating each other. They pay no attention to Captain Huggies, the handful of Richie Bears that are still busy spontaneously combusting, or anyone else in the room. The Macaroni of Ultimate Destruction flies back into Nastassia's hand and with all her strength, Nastassia hits the Avatar square in the jaw with the Macaroni. He falls back. She hits him again, this time in the chest. He flops down to the floor.
Nastassia: Give it up, Avatar. You can't win. My Magical Noodle Weapon is better than yours! Your wimpy weapon can't protect you from my wrath!
Narrator: As Nastassia insults the Wet Noodle of Death it begins to glow blood red with anger. In a blink of an eye, it lashes out at Nastassia's Macaroni of Ultimate Destruction and incinerates it.
Nastassia: Uh.... did I say "wimpy?" Oh, no! I meant... wonderful! You have such a wonderful Wet Noodle of Death! [nervous laugh]
Narrator: The Avatar rises and brandishes his Wet Noodle of Death triumphantly.
Avatar: Nobody messes with the Wet Noodle of Death and gets away with it! I am victorious!
Narrator: A supersonic Richie Bear slams into the Avatar, knocking him to the ground. Little Richie bears dance around his head...
Avatar: Look at all the Richie Bears, and some of them are real!
Nastassia: Haha! DIE SCUMBAG!!!!
Narrator: Nastassia dives for the Avatar and wraps her hands around his neck. In a good impression of Homer strangling Bart, Nastassia strangles the Avatar until his tongue hangs out and his face turns a smurfy shade of blue.
Nastassia: You jerk!!!
Narrator: Suddenly the Guardian's face materializes in the center of the room...
Iolo: Ahhhhh! Dupre, look!
Dupre: [his back turned to the Guardian] What?
Iolo: It-it-it-it's that big red, huge guy...
Dupre: Clifford?
Iolo: No, he's a giant red dog! I'm talking about him! [Iolo points at the Guardian]
Narrator: Dupre turns around.
Dupre: Ahhhhhhhh! It's the Guardian!!!
Nastassia: [looking up and momentarily stopping her strangulation of the Avatar] Hmph, what's that mutant muppet reject want?
Avatar: Oh great, not him. What does that gimp want!
Batlin: Guardian! So good that you decided to appear, as you can see, I am about to get rid of the Avatar and that loser Captain Huggies!
The Guardian: Oh shut up Batlin!!! I didn't come here to talk to you!
Batlin: You didn't?
The Guardian: Nastassia! I could not help but notice your most excellent job in tracking down the Avatar and beating the living daylights out of him!
Nastassia: [blushing modestly and looking quite pleased with herself] Why thank you, I try.
The Guardian: Since you have managed to do what Batlin and all my other lackeys have failed to do, I was wondering if you would like to work for me?
Nastassia: Work for *you*? I don't know.... How good's the pay?
The Guardian: For an entry-level lackey position it's only $30,000, but someone with your potential could quickly work your way up and make double that, if not more. And... we have excellent health benefits and two weeks of paid vacation every year.
Nastassia: Hmmmmm, do the health benefits include a dental plan?
Narrator: The Guardian nods.
Nastassia: Sure beats the hell out of hanging out at a stupid shrine... OK, give me three weeks of paid vacation and you've got a deal.
The Guardian: Excellent!
Narrator: A portal suddenly opens up.
The Guardian: Enter into the portal and you can get started immediately, I have a couple of worlds that need conquering.
Nastassia: Oh, can't I kill the Avatar first?
The Guardian: Actually, no. You see, there's this contract...
Avatar: [perking up] Oh yeah! The contract! I forgot about that! Haha babe! The Guardian's right! You can't kill me! [The Avatar whips out a piece of paper] I'm signed for two more Ultimas! Until my contract expires, nobody can kill me! Not you! Not the Guardian! Not even those psychotic Richie bears bouncing all over the place! Hahahahaha! Origin needs me!!! [The Avatar sticks out his tongue] Thppppppppppppppppppppptttttttttttttt!!!! Neener, neener, neener, you can't kill me!!!!
Narrator: Nastassia marches over and kicks the Avatar in the groin.
Nastassia: The contract doesn't say anything about hurting you, now does it? [Nastassia smiles wickedly]
Narrator: The Avatar crumples to the floor and whimpers. Nastassia turns back to the Guardian...
Nastassia: One last thing, can I bring my boyfriend with me?
Avatar: Your BOYFRIEND!
Nastassia: Oh, I don't believe you've met my *new* boyfriend, have you? How silly of me. Oh Edrin! Could you please come here for a second?
Narrator: Edrin runs in, a look of total love and devotion on his face.
Edrin: Yes dear? You called?
Avatar: EDRIN! You left me for EDRIN, the guy who got turned into a parrot during the teleport storm! The guy that if it wasn't for *me*, would still be flying around, asking for crackers?!!!! You left me for a freakin' PARROT!
Narrator: Nastassia puts her arm around Edrin and gives him a quick kiss.
Nastassia: He may have been a parrot once, but he's sweeter, more faithful, and a whole lot *cuter* then you'll ever be!!! [turning to Edrin] Come along dear, I just got a great job offer...
Edrin: Yes dear. [turning to the Avatar] Sorry about taking your girlfriend Avatar, but she's a major babe and I'd be a birdbrain to pass her up.
Narrator: Nastassia slips into the portal, with Edrin trailing right behind her. The portal closes, leaving Batlin, the Avatar, Iolo, Captain Huggies, Dupre, and Creamy in a partially demolished chamber filled with empty cans of Jolt, Twinkie wrappers, diapers, and a couple of Richie bears still bouncing all over the place.
The Guardian: See you later, Snugglekins!
Narrator: The Guardian cracks up laughing as his face disappears.
Avatar: I REALLY hate that guy.
Sky: Excuse me, would you like to try one of my Chocolate Chip cookies?
Batlin: [turning around] Cookies? Sure, I...
Narrator: Sky knocks him out with a mean uppercut...
Sky: Haha, loser! That's what you get for not leaving me a tip!!! Thpppppppppttttttttttt!
Narrator: Captain Huggies comes down the hallway and ties Batlin up before he can wake up and try to sneak away another time.
Captain Huggies: Uh, if I ask for a cookie you're not going to hit me, are you?
Sky: Of course not! Here, have a cookie.
Narrator: Just when Sky is handing over a cookie, a blue dragon pops out from nowhere and grabs it...
Winter: COOKIE!
Captain Huggies: Ohhhhhh, no fair.
Narrator: Winter Dragon snarfs down the cookie in one bite.
Sky: It's OK, here, have a bunch of them.
Narrator: This time Captain Huggies grabs the cookies and leaps back as Winter attempts to grab them. Winter misses and flops to the ground, cookieless.
Captain Huggies: My cookies!
Narrator: Winter starts to walk away, heartbroken, when Captain Huggies has a change in heart and hands Winter one of his cookies.
Captain Huggies: [smiling brightly] Here you go.
Narrator: Winter gleefully takes the cookie and thanks him. She then flies off. With a happy grin, Sky waves goodbye and activates a comlink on her hand.
Sky: [talking into the comlink] OK, bring the shuttle around, my work here is done.
Narrator: A large roastbeef sandwich on white, with lettuce, mayonnaise, and the necessary pickles required for flight, comes flying around the corner, piloted by Kosh. Kosh brings it to a stop. It hovers in place silently as Sky leaps aboard. It then takes off, quickly disappearing around a corner.
Captain Huggies: [completely freaked out] I've definitely got to cut back on those funky mushrooms. [looking around] Well, looks like my work here is done.
Narrator: Captain Huggies runs off and minutes later, Shamino enters the chamber, munching on one of his cookies and dragging Batlin in by the foot.
Shamino: Hey, guys! Look who Captain Huggies caught trying to escape. He had to leave so he told me to bring Batlin back to you guys. So, what's up?
Narrator: The Avatar and companions give Shamino a dirty look.
Avatar: Oh gee, not much, Shamino. [voice rising in anger] Just got beat up by my ex-girlfriend, I defeated her using a mystical six-foot noodle, Batlin tried to destroy Serpent Isle with a bunch of cute bouncy psychotic Richie bears, Dupre and Iolo made them spontaneously combust, Captain Huggies showed up and accidentally created a fortyfoot paisley blue Richie Bear that died and turned into Winnie the Pooh, and then the Guardian showed up and offered Nastassia a job!!!! [completely irate at this point] That's all! It's nothing really!!!! You really didn't miss much after you ran out on us!!! You WIMP!!! Iolo, Dupre, and Creamy: Yeah Shamino, you loser! So good of you to show up now!!! Where were you when we needed you!
Shamino: Uh, guys... Guys! What are you doing!
Narrator: The Avatar, Iolo, Dupre, and Creamy converge on Shamino and throw him into what's left of the fountain with an incredible splash.
Creamy: [walking over to Batlin, who is still unconscious] Well, looks like Captain Huggies got Batlin after all. Guess that weirdo was good for something.
Dupre: So, what are we going to do with him? I mean, we're going to need him later on in this game so we can't kill him.
Iolo: Yeah, according to the hintbook the Guardian fries him.
Avatar: He does? Awesome! Anyway, so what you're saying is that we've just got to untie him and leave him here? After all the trouble he gave us? That REALLY sucks. [sigh]
Narrator: Creamy starts to grin evilly.
Creamy: Hehehe, I have an idea...
Avatar: What?
Creamy: We're not supposed to kill him, right? But who says we still can't get our revenge through more... creative means. Hehehe.
Avatar: [grinning evilly] Go on... I'm listening...
Creamy: Just bring him with us and I'll show you...
Avatar: OK. Hehehe.
Narrator: The Avatar slings Batlin over his shoulder, groaning with the weight.
Avatar: Sheesh, this guy could sure use Jenny Craig.
Dupre: He's so fat he probably ate Jenny Craig!
Narrator: They all snicker and prepare to leave.
Creamy: So, Avatar, where are we headed now?
Avatar: [shrugging] I dunno, but I need a break. Why don't we all go to Starbuck's after we take care of Batlin? I sure could use a Mocha Latte right about now.
Narrator: Everybody nods in agreement and they start to leave.
Creamy: Would it be OK if Chunky came with us? I'm sure he'd love to get some coffee.
Avatar: Sure, no problemo. [turning back to the demolished fountain] Hey Shamino, you coming? [snicker]
Shamino: Yeah, I'm coming... [grumble] [muttering under his breath] The work of a superhero is never appreciated... I wonder if Clark Kent ever had this sort of problem? A couple of hours later...
Narrator: Batlin wakes up, and finds himself out in the cold, barren wasteland, directly in front of the Holiday Inn. He shivers uncontrollably, then realizes that except for his underwear, he is completely naked. He has been hung by his underwear on the point of a very tall serpent ruin. Fluffy pink and purple feathers have been superglued to him and the word "Gimp" has been written on his bald head in black permanent marker. He tries to get himself loose but he soon finds out that he is hopelessly stuck. A crowd of Babylon Five fans pass by and at the sight of him, crack up laughing and start to throw snowballs at him. A few Brazilian tourists then walk over and take pictures. Finally, a court jester appears from nowhere and skips over...
Chuckles: Would you like to play the game!
Batlin: [screaming into the empty wasteland] Ahhhhhhh! Damn you Avatar! Damn you Captain Huggies! Damn you all!!!!!!!