Pulp Avatar Fiction

By Blackthorn Dragon aka David Clarke.

Part the First

[Britannia: Outside Fellowship Hall. Dupre and Shamino are searching through backpacks.]

Dupre: "So how many in there?"

Shamino: "Two or three including Feridwyn."

Dupre: "So at least three and up to five?"

Shamino: "Yup"

Dupre: "They should give us Firedoom staves for this kind of job"

[Dupre and Shamino enter fellowship hall]

Shamino: "...what with that incident with Geoffery and all."

Dupre: "What happened to Geoffery?"

Shamino: "Well what I heard is that British went to see him and Geoffery ended up getting his arse VAS FLAMed"

Dupre: "Why would British VAS FLAM Geoffery?"

Shamino: "From what I heard Geoffery touched British's fork"

Dupre: "For touching his fork?? Now that just ain't right"

Shamino: "Right or wrong a fighter like Geoffery should know better than to be touchin' a king's fork"

Dupre: "Yeah well that's a little extreme, I mean it ain't like he was using British's toothbrush to clean the middens and not telling him"

Shamino: "Extreme or not they both involve a monarchs personal utensils and his mouth. Oh looks like it's time - lets go"

[Dupre knocks on the door to the Fellowship office. Both Dupre and Shamino pull out lightning wands and when the door opens push their way inside. In the office there are only three Fellowship members, two are sitting at a table and the other is by the door.]

Dupre: "Greetings people, no don't bother getting up, we're friends of British, You do remember British don't you?"

Merrick: "Of, of course we do"

Dupre: "That's good. Oh looks like we caught you fellows during breakfast, whatcha having?"

Merrick: "Just some food"

Dupre: "Mind if I have some?"

Merrick: "Worthiness preceeds reward"

Dupre: "I'll take that as okay. Mmmm this is some good food, you know I don't usually feed myself, me being a Companion and all. Now where is it?"

Merrick: " In the desk"

[Shamino opens desk drawer and pulls out bag then looks in bag]

Dupre: "We virtuous Shamino?"

Shamino: "Yeah man we virtuous"

Merrick: "I'd just like to say that we joined this with the best of intentions, you see its called sanguine cognition, based upon the triad of inner strength..."

[Dupre blasts Morfin who was just sitting innocently]

Dupre: "Oh I'm sorry did I interupt, please continue... Oh you were finished well please allow me to retort!! What does British look like?"

[Merrick starts to look confused]

Merrick: "Strive for Unity?"

Dupre: "I said what does British look like?"

Merrick: "Trust thy brother?"

Dupre: "That's it!! You spout that rhetoric at me one more time and I'll blast you. I dare you, I double dare you!! Now what does British look like?"

Merrick: "Well he sits on a throne all the time"

Dupre: "and...?"

Merrick: "and he wears a crown"

Dupre: "Does he look like an EMP?"

[Merrick looks really confused at this point]

Merrick: "Do you want to join?"

[Dupre shoots Merrick in the arm]

Dupre: "I said does British look like an EMP??!!"

[Merrick is whining pitieously at this point]

Merrick: "No!!!"

Dupre: "Then why'd you try and stuff him like an emp?"

Merrick: "I, I didn't!!"

Dupre: "Yes you did, and British don't liked to be stuffed by no one 'cept his maid Nell. You know there's this little saying from the Codex of Ultimate wisdom that I'm fond of, it goes like this: "Those who fear to try know not their limits and thus not themselves, To foresake ones inner being is to abandon thy hopes for thy self and the world, None live alone save those wwho will not share their fortune with others around them, and it is the guilt not the guillotine that consitutes the shame!!"

[At this point both Shamino and Dupre let loose with their lightning wands and kill Merrick. Suddenly Garritt leaps out of a closet and shoots at Dupre and Shamino with a triple crossbow. None of the bolts hit, and after looking at each other Dupre and Shamino both shoot Garritt.]

Dupre: "You see the size of that crossbow, it was bigger than he was, it's lucky we both weren't killed"

Shamino: "Wasn't luck man it was magic"

Dupre: "I don't give an emps arse what it was, hey Feridwyn, you just happen to forget to tell us about the fellow in the closet with the hand ballista?"

Feridwyn: "Umm, worthiness preceeds reward?"

Shamino: "Yeah yeah, shut up already, now lets fly"

[Cut to a flying carpet with Dupre watching over Feridwyn with his wand]

Shamino: "So if it wasn't magic then what was it?"

Dupre: "Look all I'm saying is that magic is unreliable cause of the ether so it had to be just luck, what do you think Feridwyn?"

Feridwyn: "Trust they brother and strive for.."

[Suddenly the carpet hits an air pocket and Dupre's wand discharges into Feridwyn's face with appropriate amount of gore flying about]

Dupre: "Oh crap I just blasted Feridwyn!!"

Shamino: "Why the hell did you do that?"

Dupre: "It was an accident. What we gonna do? We can't fly around with a corpse, some one is bound to notice"

Shamino: "Don't worry, I've got a friend who can help us, I'll call him"

[Shamino pulls out a crystal ball and concetrates for a moment]

Shamino: "Hello Iolo, this is Shamino say I've got a bit of a problem here and I'm wondering if I can crash at your place for a while. Okay great thanks alot. Dupre, Iolo will let us land at his place while we sort this mess out.

[Inside Iolo's Hut]

Iolo: "I'm sorry but is there a sign on my barn that says 'Dead Fellowship member storage on it?"

Shamino: "No there wasn't but..."

Iolo: "No buts; look Gwenno is going to be home any time now and I want you and your fellowship stiff outta here"

Shamino: "Ok Ok be cool greybeard, just let me use your crystal ball to contact my boss and everything will be settled."

[Brief fade out. Scene fades in to Shamino talking to crystal ball]

Shamino: "Look Lord British all I'm saying is that this Gwenno situation is very explosive"

British: "You think she'll take it badly?"

Shamino: "Whatta you think, she's gonna do when she comes home and sees a bunch of Companions doing Companion crap in her kitchen?"

British: "Hmm, I see your point what do you want me to do?"

Shamino: "How 'bout get your big arse off your throne and help us?"

British: "No no that would never do, but tell you what I'm going to send the AVATAR"

Shamino: "The AVATAR??"

British: "Does that ease your mind?"

Shamino: "Crap monarch that's all you needed to say."

[Office on earth with Avatar sitting in front of computer speaking into blue haze above him]

Avatar: "Just give me the particulars involved"

[Avatar types on keyboard, on screen we see:]

 Name            Job                             Health
 ~~~~            ~~~                             ~~~~~~
 Dupre           Companion                       fine
 Shamino         Companion                       fine
 Feridwyn        Fellowship member               Dead
 Iolo            wants body out of house         Upset
 Gwenno          works somewhere not home yet    will freak at body
Avatar: "Okay it's an uncountable distance between dimensions and almost impossible to travel between them. I'll be there in five minutes"

[Iolo's Hut: A blue moongate springs up and out of it steps the Avatar]

Shamino: "Oh Avatar it is so good to see thee"

Avatar: "Ok cut the sappy stuff, you've got a dead fellowship member minus a head in the workshop; take me to it!"

[Avatar checks out workshop]

Avatar: "Here's what I want done you Drunkard"

[points to Dupre]

Dupre: "Uhh that's Dupre Mister Avatar"

Avatar: "Okay gotcha, Dupre, just call me Avatar, what I want you to do is go get as many sheets as you can from the house"

[Dupre goes to get sheets]

Iolo: "Avatar, are you stealing my sheets? Thou should'st not do that! My apprentice Gwennyth gave me those sheets as a wedding present"

Avatar: "I see, let me ask you something Iolo, is your apprentice an all powerful immortal ruler?"

Iolo: "No why?"

Avatar: "Well your king Lord British is, and he'll repay you for those sheets with a whole new bedroom set. I've got Silverleaf furniture myself, you like Silverleaf?"

Iolo: "I probably would"

Avatar: "Good fellow. Ahh here's Dupre back with said sheets. Now what I want is for you to wrap the body up in the sheets then stuff it in a backpack; got it? Good, now Shamino get over here and come with me"

Dupre: "Wouldn't kill you to say please and thank you would it?"

Avatar: "Look I'm terse because I'm used to only speaking four monosyllabic words, now do your job and bye. Shamino, is this your carpet?"

Shamino: "Yes it is"

Avatar: "Is it in good shape?"

Shamino: "Yeah it's okay:

Avatar: "Now look, I need to know if it's in perfect condition. I don't want to find out it can't carry the weight, or be in flight and find some loose thread unravelling or a seem splitting in it"

Shamino: "As far as I know the carpets cool"

Avatar: "Excellent, ok gentlemen this is the way it goes: I'll fly the carpet, Shamino you ride shotgun, Dupre sit behind Shamino and put the backpack behind me, it'll look just like an ordinary pack of supplies. I fly fast and low so hang on and don't fall off. If we see the Guardian or any Fellowship members act cool. Let me do the talking and don't act until I give the word, got it?"

Shamino: "Yes Avatar"

Dupre: "Yes Avatar"

Avatar: "Good, we're going to Cove, I've got a 'friend' there that will be sympathetic to our predictament"

[Cove: Pollution covered Loch Lake. Avatar is seen throwing the pack, tied down with lots of rocks into the lake, Natassia is standing by his side]

Avatar: "Good job people, that body will never surface in this scummy lake"

Shamino: "It was a real pleasure working with you Avatar"

Dupre: "It sure was, and I'm sorry about my outburst earlier"

Avatar: "You see Natassia, they're good Companions, just a little more humility and they'll be virtuous souls"

Natassia: "Just like you my great Avatar"

Avatar: "Yeah sure, Now Natassia and I are going for brunch at Buccaneer's Den, can I drop you two anywhere?"

Shamino: "Actually Dupre and I can't feed ourselves so we were hoping we could go with you and you would feed us"

Dupre: "Or take us to a bar!"

Avatar: "Sheesh, word of advice guys, get real lives and learn to do things for yourselves."

[Avatar and Natassia get on magic carpet and zip off into sky]

Shamino: "Well, I guess he's right, it's time to do things for ourselves I... hey, he stole our carpet!! Damn you Avatar Damn you!!!"

Part the Second

The Fellowship Medallion
[House interior: a young boy sitting on the floor playing with his toys. His mother enters]

Mother: "Oh son, remember how I told you that your father died fighting trolls? Well here's someone to talk to you about it"

De Snell: "Well hello there young Batlin, I'm De Snell a good friend of your fathers. Before I start in on your father's tale lets go down to the tavern, you're a young man now and I'm sure your father would aprove"

[Batlin and De Snell sitting at a table in a tavern]

De Snell: "Well Batlin your father wanted you to have this"

[De Snell gives Batlin an odd triangular medallion]

Batlin: "What is it?"

De Snell: "Just some cheap trinket that your great great grandfather stole from some gypsies after spending the night with them, don't let you mom find out about that. But... it's a good luck trinket. Your great great grandfather wore this during the Gargoyle invasion and came home safe and sound. Your great grandfather wore it , and his wife never found out about his five mistresses. Your grandfather wore it when Skara Brae burned down and he made it out alive. Your father, he wore it and... well it didn't bring him quite as good luck"

Batlin: "What happended to my father?"

De Snell: "About two years ago your dad and I decided to go hunting trolls. At that time there was a 50 gold piece bounty on troll ears. We figured it would be an easy way to make some money. One day we were ambushed by a pack of trolls and captured. We were taken alive and put into a cell in dungeon Covetous. Well your father didn't want any stinking troll taking his lucky medallion. The way he saw it this medallion was your inheritence. He knew the trolls would just break it or melt it down, so he hid it, in the only safe hiding place there was. He hid it up his,as... I was saying earlier seemed like the medallion had finally run outta luck though; after your father hid it he started getting horrible abdominal cramps, and sharp stabbing pains. One evening as he lay slowly dying of some unknown cause, he asked me if I ever got out to take the medallion to you. I agreed to, but just as he was about to give it to me a troll came and took him and threw him in the stew pot. Now about this time that old medallion's luck came back, it must have caught in the troll's throat that ate your dad cause the troll gave a holler then died. The other two trolls must have thought that the other troll had poisioned the first, because they took to fighting and killed each other. Luckily the one with the keys fell near the cell and I was able to get the key and escape. Now I remembered the promise I made to your dad, but the trolls had long ago hidden our weapons, so there was only one way to get that medallion. With my fingernails and teeth I ripped open the troll's belly and dug around in his guts until I found that medallion. I had to knaw and claw my way through three feet of troll guts before I found that medallion. Then I was finally able to escape Covetous and find you and your mom. So now I give to you your Father's medallion."

[Batlin suddenly wakes up as a Fellowship Flunky enter the room he was sleeping in]

Flunky: "Almost time to go, are you sure you want to go through with this"

Batlin: "Strive for Unity, lets do it"

[Batlin is jumping out of a window from a town hall, then runs over to a farmer who is driving his cart through the streets]

Batlin: "You must help get me to Britanny Bay as fast as possible, I'll make it worth your while"

Farmer: "How do I know you won't just try to rob me on the way?"

Batlin: "Trust thy brother"

Farmer: "Okay, but what about making it worth my while?"

Batlin: "Worthiness preceeds reward"

Farmer: "Fine, hop on. Hey I recognize you, you're Batlin, that Fellowship fella, the one that had the secret membership meeting tonight"

Batlin: "That's right, it was a membership drive, do you want to join?"

Farmer: "But didn't Lord British say you couldn't start the Fellowship up?"

Batlin: "Just get us to Britain"

[Batlin falls asleep and has a flashback]

[Lord British's throne room]

British: "I think you're going to find when all this is done, you're just wasting time, there's no way I'll replace the virtues and start a new system of beliefs"

Batlin: "I have no problem with that, this society will build upon the virtues and make them easier to follow"

British: "And who would benefit from this society?"

Batlin: "Why nobody it's not for profit"

British: "I see, Batlin you have a good idea but it's not developed. Lets face it, you're just not the right material. In time when you're older and relaxing at Buccaneers Den, you'll say Lord British was right, it's better that I kept my gold and didn't start up the Fellowship. Now I want your oath that you will not start up this Fellowship"

Batlin: "But, but but"

British: "No buts, now say it, 'I will not start the Fellowship"

[Batlin hesitates but finally]

Batlin: "I will not start the Fellowship"

British: "Later, you may feel a small sting, that is pride, FORGET PRIDE!!! Pride is not a virtue remember Magincia was destroyed because of pride, you can be too"

[Batlin gets up and leaves, bumping into Dupre who is coming to see British]

Batlin: "Trust thy brother"

Dupre: "You're not my brother, chubby"

Batlin: "Pardon?"

Dupre: "Oh I think you heard me monk-boy"

British: "Hey is that Dupre in the Castle? My Companion, get over here"

[Batlin wakes up to the harbour sounds of Britanny Bay]

Batlin: "There!! See the man with the hook? That's where to go. Ahh Hook things are happening fast and we need to skip out for a while"

Hook: "Arrgghh matey, but where would we go?"

Batlin: "We head north, to the Serpent Pillars and then Serpent Isle"

Farmer: "Hey, what about my reward?"

Batlin: "But of course, Hook reward the man"

[Hook proceeds to ritually murder the Farmer]

Batlin: "Excellent, now Hook did you remember all of my things?"

Hook: "Aye matey, that I did"

[Batlin roots through a pile of stuff]

Batlin: "Where's my medallion, I don't see it are you sure you brought it?"

Hook: "Arrggh - I'm pretty sure I did"

Batlin: "It was sitting on the stuffed Emp, did you bring it or not?"

Hook: "Nay matey, 'tis forgotten then"

Batlin: "That medallion means more to me than any of the rest of this junk, my father... well lets just say he went to a lot of trouble to get me that medallion. There's no choice, hold the ship while I go back and get it"

[Meanwhile at Lord British's castle]

British: "I want every companion out looking for that traitor Batlin. Bring him back to me so I can fork him over real good"

Dupre:(whispering) "Geeze, what is it always with the fork? Some kind of fork fetish?"

British: "I heard that!! Just for that you go to Batlin's house and wait there for him"

[As Dupre is leaving]

Sherry: "Oh thank you for the wonderful time we had last night" *

[Batlin's House: Batlin carefully sneaks in and gets his medallion off his stuffed Emp. Just as he is leaving he hears a noise and carefully goes to investigate. In the kitchen he finds all his wine bottles lying empty on the floor, he notices a lightning wand sitting on the counter and picks it up.Then up from the wine cellar with a bottle in his hand comes Dupre. Dupre groggily recognizes Batlin and stops dead in his tracks.]

Dupre: "Hicc ???"

Batlin: "Worthiness preceeds reward"

[Batlin lets loose a volley of lightning and Dupre falls dead, Batlin then scurries out of the house and heads back towards the docks. He runs around a corner and sees Lord British who also sees him. Lord British starts to cast an AN XEN EX spell but Batlin bumps him and he miscasts the spell and both British and Batlin fall unconcious. After a moment Figg walks by.]

Figg: "Oh boy two more 'volunteers' for Willy and I"

[Figg puts British and Batlin into a cart and proceeds to haul them away. Batlin comes to bound and gagged and sees that British is too. In front of them stand Figg and Willy, who is carrying an Infinity bow and gestures to British]

Willy: "We'll start with him, take him in the back, oh and bring out the Jester"

[Willy takes British into a small room while Figg opens a trap door and pulls out a jester and ties him to a hook in the roof, then goes into the back also]

Jester: "Hi there my name is Chuckl... er Chuck, would you like to play THE GAME?"

Batlin: "Mmmmfff mmmfff mmmmmmmmffffffffff"

Jester: "I think that you did break the rules of the game just then"

Batlin: "Mmmmmfffff mmmmmfff mmfff mmmrrff"

Jester: "What is the matter do you not know the rules of the game, I am sure that you can learn the rules with no hard try"

[Batlin strains against his bonds; meanwhile muffled grunts and groans come from the back room. Finally Batlin breaks his bonds and leaps up]

Jester: "Help the prisn... er the capt... er the guy who was tied up is esca... um flee... is loose!!"

[Batlin smacks Chuckles who promptly falls unconcious. Batlin then starts to leave but stops for a moment]

Batlin: "Hmm, strive for unity, worthiness preceeds reward"

[Batlin looks around and picks up a rolling pin, then as he is going back looks again and finds a big knife and pick it up, then finally he looks around and finds a Magic Sword. He then turns around and heads back to the door. Outside the door the moaning and grunting has become even louder.

Batlin quietly opens the door and looks in: Inside Lord British is bent over a chair. Willy is wearing a giant diaper and is using a dirty giant diaper on British while Figg holds a blackrock plaque over British to keep him in line. Batlin quickly chops down Figg, just as Willy turns and tries to grab his Infinity bow]

Batlin: "You want that Infinity bow don'tcha? Come on take it, I want you to have it go on take it!! Worthiness preceeds reward"

[Willy starts to reach for the Infinity bow when:]

British: "Stand aside Batlin"

[British casts a VAS FLAM HUR at Willy and it detonates, you guessed it, right in Willy's diaper. Willy falls and writhes around on the floor, moaning continuously]

Batlin: "You ok British?"

British: "No, I'm definately not ok, I've said it before; Kings and dirty diapers don't mix"

Batlin: "So what now?"

British: "Now, I'm going to call in a couple of hard swinging Companions to go to work on mister diaper boy here with a Fire Doom Staff and a Magic Axe. You hear me Baker? I'm gonna get UNVIRTUOUS on your arse!!"

Batlin: "I meant between me and you"

British: "Batlin thou dost know the meaning of perseverance. Thous hast proven thy dedication and virtue to me and therefore to all of Britannia. In recoginition of this my support for your Fellowship is unequivocal, go with my blessing and good luck."

Batlin: "Worthiness preceeds reward"

British: "Yes I guess it does"

Batlin: "Do you want to join?"

British: "Don't push your luck"

Batlin: "Sorry, ohh by the way I killed one of the Companions"

British: "Not a problem, just tell me where the body is and I'll pick him up and resurrect him"

[Batlin finally makes it back to the docks]

Hook: "Where have you been matey? It seems like I've been waiting forever, arrggh"

Batlin: "Strive for Unity, I've been through a great adventure today, but my worthiness has been rewarded, I now have British's blessing"

Hook: "Meaning?"

Batlin: "The Fellowship lives Hooky, the Fellowship lives. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaaa"

Hook: "I've told you before, don't call me 'Hooky'"

[* Dupre and Sherry? Find out the whole story in 'Dupre's Big Date' coming soon]

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