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This story is kind of a mix between Ultima and the awesome movie "Independence Day". The Weyrmount is also here, with a few of my friends from the Weyrmount MOO. I'm not much of a writer, so I hope this story will be okay.
Lord British: I have a confession to make, honey. I'm in bed with a beautiful young brunette.
Lord British petted Sherry the mouse, who was sitting on his leg.
Nellie: Haha, very funny. Let's get to the point. Your polls here in Cove are going bad. They're saying that your attitude with the gargoyle problems are like the Avatar saying,"Name? Job?". We're in big trouble.
Lord British: It's not true. Where do they get these ideas?
Nellie: I don't know...things have really been going down-hill ever since you decided to put in the next "society advancement" into Britannia.
Lord British: Oh come on, democracy can't be that bad!
Iolo: Shamino, I don't know what to do with Gwenno. She hasn't been talking to me for days. It was an accident!
Shamino: Look, Iolo, VAS FLAM HURing an ancient vase is not to be forgiven easily.
Infinitron Dragon: This is true.
Iolo: Well she put it on the table! Couldn't she find another place to put a vase? How am I supposed to cook my food?
Shamino: Hmmm...maybe an oven?
Iolo: Yeah, but that's so slow...VAS FLAM HURing is so much faster. Although it is hard to get the meatballs off the ceiling afterwards.
Shamino: Look Iolo, why don't you just get her that new "electric lyre" thing...that'll make her happy.
Iolo: Oh, shut up! What do you know about women anyway?
Shamino: I know quite a lot about them! I know they prefer blue diapers!
Iolo: CHECKMATE!
Shamino: D'owe!
Gargoyles: Shlook Zomp Plarg A few humans come out and laugh at Dupre.
Thugs: Hahaha...been drinking too much at Dr. Cat's, Dupre? You sprayed the wrong field!
Dupre: * hic * Oops.
Infinitron Dragon: Hey, he stole my line!
Oblivion Dragon: Hmmm...nice description. Could be better, though.
Man: What's that? Whoa! Check out the size of that thing! Wait a minute, that's Britannia. Wait a sec, there's something else...it's not disturbing the ether - the ether is actually staying away from it!
Infinitron Dragon: ???
The man calls his boss.
Boss: Unless you're an insanely beautiful woman and/or Britannia is under attack by an evil entity, hang up now! The man tells his boss what's happening and calls Iolo.
Iolo: Yes?
Man: Iolo, come to the EDDS, quick!
Iolo: I'll be right over!
Avatar: It is dark.
He turns on the light and goes into the kitchen, where Nastassia is making breakfast.
Avatar: Name?
Nastassia: Oh, don't give me that! I'm your wife, Nastassia!
Avatar: Well met, Nastassia. So, what's for breakfast?
Nastassia: Well, I decided to make you a special memorial breakfast - Traditional Pagan Kith Stew!
Avatar: PAGAN!??! NOOOOOOOO!!!! NO MORE JUMPING!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Nastassia: Just kidding! I'd better go, I have to be at the shrine in 15 minutes.
Avatar: Bye, honey.
Nastassia leaves. The Avatar takes a bite out of his breakfast.
Avatar: Hey wait a second...this is...TORAX RIBS!!! NO NO STOP THE PAIN!!! AAAAAAAHH!!!
Iolo: What's going on, Smith?
Smith: Come see this, Iolo!
They go to a big monitor and look at a big blob floating through the void. Several small blobs come out of it.
Iolo: Hmmmm...Shamino's fabled giant silly putty?
Smith: Nope! Watch what it does to the ether!
Smith activates a smaller screen showing some ether atoms and an unidentified blob atom. As the blob atom comes near, the ether atoms grow a little hand and hold it to their nucleus. Then they run away as fast as they can.
Iolo: Weird...
Smith: Yeah...no natural phenomenon or even Shamino-made phenomenon can make that happen. It must be...
Iolo: Aliens!
Smith: Yeah...I hope they bring some far-out alien hay!
Iolo: Hay?! That's what you're thinking about now? What should we do about this?
Smith: Hmmmm...well, after killing Malchir, don't forget to take the Tongue of Flame.
Iolo: WHAT?! Oh stop that Smith, this is serious!
Smith: Well, I'll go tell LB about it.
Smith trots off. Iolo plays a little with the equipment.
Iolo: Hey, Smith, come here, I want you!
Smith: Hay? Where? Oh, you mean hey.
Iolo: Look at this...the ether will be totally malfunctional very soon... it'll run away right into the Void! They're pushing it away systematically, every bit of it. No magic will work soon, not even "Turn Aqua-Blue Grass into Bats with 13.45 Fingers"!
Smith: Oh come on, why should they be evil?
Iolo: I wonder how all their ships can coordinate together like that? The flat shape of Britannia makes that difficult.
Smith: How should I know? I'm just a horse.
Iolo: Of course.
Smith: Of course.
Iolo: Well, anyway, the machine says the ships will be here in...two seconds.
See! I'm original! Other stories would make it 20 minutes! But not me!
Dupre: Hi, kid. * hic * What's up?
Suddenly a shadow goes over the town. They run outside.
Spark: WHOAA!!! An alien ship!
Suddenly, Spark's eyes roll and he pulls out his sword.
Spark: MONSTER, KILL KILL KILL!!!!
Dupre: I told the Avatar not to take him along back then, but NOOOO, he wouldn't listen. The Avatar never listens to me. * hic *
Spark regains sanity.
Spark: Well, what should we do?
Dupre: Stay in the house, I'll go to Dr. Cat's and see what's up.
Suddenly, they smell something horrible.
Spark: Have you been eating gargoyle food, Dupre?
Dupre: Just go in the house.
Dupre runs over to the pub.
Dr. Cat: Well, well, well it's Dupre!
Laughter is heard in the bar.
Dupre: * hic * Gimme a beer Doctor. Seen that ship out there?
Dr. Cat: Yeah, so?
Dupre: So? Aren't you the least bit curious what that thing is?
Dr. Cat: Sorry, I'm not programmed to be curious.
ZoOM Dragon: Okay, okay, I'm working on it.
Dupre drinks his beer.
Dupre: Well, are you gonna give me a beer or not?
Dr. Cat: I think I already gave you one, Dupre.
Dupre: Hmmm...I guess you're right.
Thugs: Well, Dupre, aren't you going to save us from the evil aliens?
Everybody laughs at Dupre.
Dupre: Do you think they're friendly?
Lord Mike: HELL NO!!!!! I mean, well, no.
Dr. Cat: Well, what do you think? ( That is, if you're capable of thinking after drinking so many beers )
Dupre: Well, they can't be worse than a few humans I know. Dupre glares at the thugs and smiles. Then he has a hangover and loses consciousness.
Lord British: Yes?
Smith: Ummm...LB...go outside for a second, okay?
Lord British walks outside.
Lord British: Wow...so this is how outside looks.
Smith: Yeah, but do you see that big mushy thing in the sky?
Lord British: Yes...I take it that thing isn't supposed to be here.
Smith: It's an alien ship, stu...I mean, my lord! Here, talk to Iolo.
Iolo: Mr. No...I mean Lord British, I think those aliens are evil!
Lord British: Why? I mean besides the obvious reason that if they weren't this whole story would be pointless.
Iolo: They're pushing the ether into the Void! That's why the ether-phone is malfunctioning. They're bouncing their communication transmissions off the ether to coordinate themselves.
A scary tune is heard.
Iolo: They're using our own ether against us!
Lord British: Now, Iolo, you have no concrete proof that they're evil...
Iolo: Okay, but don't be surprised if your ether-net card stops working.
Lord British: No more Internet? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Must control myself... ...no...you can't convince me, Iolo...I can't just declare war on them, Iolo.
Iolo: Well, I suggest you warn the people not do something stupid like use Firedoom Staves on the ships or something.
Lord British: Ok.
Suddenly posters appear all over Britannia with the message -
Hail citizens of Britannia! Please, do not shoot our visitors! There'll be plenty of that later!Iolo: How'd you do that?
Lord British: I told my men to hang the posters. Then I left the screen and returned and the posters were all hung.
Iolo: Well, I'm going to meet you now. Bye!
Lord British: Ok, but I'm not going to give you any food!
Lord British suddenly smells something bad. He checks his armpits. He then smells something even worse.
Nastassia: What do you thing you're doing?
Avatar: Just raising my Strength and Dexterity attributes. Don't worry, it won't do anything to the furniture.
Nastassia: Ok...so what's new?
Avatar: Nope...nothing new. I haven't seen any big brown mushy alien ship in the sky.
The Avatar and Nastassia walk out and see one of the mushy alien ships.
Avatar: Hey look, there's a big brown mushy alien ship in the sky!
Nastassia: By the Avatar!!! Oops, sorry honey...
Avatar: Do you suppose they're evil?
Nastassia: Well, I guess we'll know soon...
Yeah, I'm getting tired of writing this pre-attack stuff. I wanna see some explosions!!!
Avatar: Nastassia, do you smell that?
Nastassia: Hmmm...have you been fighting monsters in Castle British's sewers, dear?
Avatar: Naaah...they haven't been letting me in there ever since I collapsed that wall and made the toilets overflow. God, I haven't smelled something so bad since I caught Lord British in the bathroom.
Nastassia: I didn't know there was a bathroom in Castle British.
Avatar: It's a special invisible instant-bathroom. That's why me and my companions never have to go. We teleport to the invisible bathroom, instantly relieve ourselves, and teleport back. Those things are all over Britannia.
Nastassia: Sounds like a waste of the taxpayer's money.
Avatar: It's more heroic...imagine us needing to go to the bathroom in the middle of a fight.
Nastassia: Hmmm...I guess you're right.
Avatar: I'm always right. I make a magical mark in time before a problem I have to solve, and if I mess up I rewind time back to that mark. Anyway, I have to go to work at Jhelom. Bye, honey.
Nastassia: So that's why everyone always has jet lag every time you're on a quest!
Lord British: Hi
Shamino: Hi
Iolo: Hi
Lord British: I've heard that more ships have positioned over Moonglow, Minoc and New Magincia.
Iolo: Oh come on, that can't be a good sign.
Lord British: Well, we're going to find out soon. I've organized for some men to ride dragons in front of the alien ship, flashing multi-colored lights at them and playing cute little melodies at the same time.
Shamino: Why does everyone always assume that aliens communicate in such strange ways?
Iolo: So dumb story writers will have something to laugh about.
Hmmm...this is a paradox, I think.
Lord British: Well, the strangest thing has been happening...the ships have been dripping on us.
Iolo: Dripping?
Suddenly, a brown mushy thing falls on Shamino.
Shamino: I swear it's not my giant diaper!
Iolo: Giant diaper?
Shamino: D'owe! I was meaning to tell you about that...
Iolo: Never mind that...what are those droppings made of?
Lord British: Well, they're 23.4 percent typical alien plasma, 31.6 percent ether, 42.375489490873937329 chopped up Pentium processors, and 54 percent...um...guano.
Iolo: Isn't that more than 100 percent?
Lord British: Hmmm...I guess the aliens know how to make things composed of more than 100 percent.
Naaah, I just didn't have enough patience to make everything add up.
Shamino: More likely Lord British's analysis team is 100 percent composed of Origin story writers!
Don't argue with me, Shamino.
Shamino: Okay, okay.
Gwenno enters the room.
Gwenno: Well look, if it isn't the Master Chef?
Iolo: Get over it, Gwenno!
Gwenno: VAS FLAM HUR!!!
Iolo is burned to a crisp.
Lord British: KAL LOR!
Iolo is resurrected.
Iolo: Oh, will you stop that! It's really scary in that world of the dead, with those slimy skeletons always grabbing at my clothes. And I get a headache when I'm finally resurrected.
Gwenno: I don't care, vase-killer!
Shamino: Thank God I'm the single guy character in this world.
Iolo: Oh come on, Gwenno, I'm sorry! Here, let me buy you a drink. Then we'll have a romantic evening in my house.
Shamino starts to get red.
Lord British: I think this conversation is starting to embarass Shamino.
Shamino: No it's not...I'm 400 years old...you can talk.
Iolo: Yeah right, Shamino. What are you, around 11 or something? Okay, so I stole this from Captain Huggies - kill me.
Lord British: Look, people, it's getting late...soon we'll be welcoming the aliens.
Iolo: What a coincidence...the ether will be totally gone five minutes after that.
Lord British: Oh, stop that evil alien stuff, Iolo, nobody's going to believe you.
Iolo: Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna get the last laugh anyway...I love this script.
Geoffrey the Captain of the Guard walks into the room.
Geoffrey: The welcoming is starting now...come on, you don't want to miss it.
Everybody walks outside. A few small dragons with men riding on them are about to take off.
Geoffrey: These are our specialized welcoming dragons. They'll fly up to the part of the ship that looks like the front ( the part with the two big domes ) and flash their lights there. Look, it's starting now!
The dragons take off and fly between the two domes. They start their typical little show when suddenly a space opens between the two domes and a gas comes out. The dragons instantly explode.
Lord British: D'owe!!!
Iolo: Told you so!!!
Infinitron Dragon: SPAMEM SPAMEM SPAMEM!!!
Geoffrey: Come everybody! I prepared a giant escape dragon if something like this happens.
A gigantic crowd runs toward the dragon.
UFO Hippies: It's ugly!!! Not to mention smelly!
The two domes and suddenly a giant brown laser is shot down.
The whole city starts exploding. Everybody runs toward their cars. A traffic jam is formed but is quickly disolved by the chaotic explosions.
Smith: Hmmm...I wonder what's worse...traffic jams or evil aliens? What a question - traffic jams of course.
Smith reaches for his portable ether-phone.
Smith: Where's Dr. Rudyom? What do you mean he's not available? For 300 gold coins an hour he better be available! Who is this anyway? Oh!!! I always wanted to know who that little drake is!
Nastassia: So, how did the day go?
Typical Shrine Keeper: Pretty slow...only 5 heros tried to hit on me.
Nastassia: Oh well...what do you think about those alien ships?
Typical Shrine Keeper: They're our friends. They shall reveal the cosmic secrets of the universe to us!
Nastassia: You don't need them for that! That's what the Ultima Dragons website is for! Let's go out and see what they're doing.
They all walk out. The alien ships turn around so that the two domes are facing downwards. A space opens between them and a big brown laser is shot from it. Again, the whole town starts exploding. Nastassia runs away.
Nastassia: ( after a stereotypic female scream ) Now how do you access that bathroom? I know - VAS AH MU CHBE TTER!!!
Nastassia appears in an underground bathroom where she faints.
Oblivion Dragon: Oh come on...surely you could make a better description than that!
Lord British: My castle! My people! My land! My Playbo...um, never mind...at least Sherry is with me!
Sherry the Mouse: Ugh!!! Did you have to put me in your sleeve? It stinks in here!
Iolo: I can't resist it - TOLD YA SO!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Shamino punches Iolo in the stomach.
Shamino: Owwwie!!! Ummm...I mean - Shut up Iolo!
Iolo: Hmmm...I guess those aliens aren't as friendly as we thought.
Geoffrey: I've seen Lord British even less friendly when I touched his fork.
Iolo: Yeah and the same with Gwenno when somebody touches her precious vases.
Gwenno punches Iolo in the stomach.
Iolo: Enough with the punches already!!!
Suddenly, a voice is heard.
Voice: Welcome to the Jumbo Dragon 747 and a half! We hope you will enjoy your ride. Meals will be served in three hours. Tonight's movie will be "Star Trek - The Quest for the Next Episode". Don't forget to fasten your seatbelts. Have a nice day.
Geoffrey: So, where are we going to go now?
Iolo: Well, we need to go somewhere where we can find something to combat those aliens. Where is the most advanced technology in this medieval dump?
Shamino: I think the most advanced technology here is this red moongate back to Earth. Let's use it!
Lord British: We can't leave Britannia in it's time of need!
Gwenno: Sounds good to me!
Iolo: For once we agree!
Shamino: Lord British is right...if we don't defeat the aliens here we'll have to defeat them on Earth...and besides, the author of this dumb story wants to get to the explosions as soon as possible.
Iolo: How about all that hi-tech stuff from the Age of Darkness?
Lord British: It was destroyed, I'm afraid. I thought it might be dangerous in the wrong hands so I ordered it to be destroyed.
Geoffrey: Uh, sir, I'm not quite so sure about that.
Lord British: What?
Geoffrey: Uh, sir...the technology from the Age of Darkness was hidden in a secret vault in the Weyrmount.
Lord British: The Weyrmount?!
Geoffrey: Yes. One of the artifacts was a fusion pistol which the dragons seemed to like to use on each other...so we kept them there. With all those dragons there, it is a safe place! We thought we might need it someday.
Lord British: Well then, I would normally be angry at you, but I guess we need the technology now. Set course to the Weyrmount!
Shamino: I hope the dragons are feeling helpful today...
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Guardian: Soon, Britannia shall be mine!
Goblins: Yes Master!
Guardian: I shall slay the Avatar with my bare behind and fill their land with my putrid, disgusting smells.
Goblins: Yes Master!
Guardian: I expect the Britannians shall try to fight back with their puny dragons. But we will crush them! Our gases shall fill their world with pestilence! Our droppings shall make their world reek of dead fish and rotten tomatos! Our bared armpits shall make the them puke in disgust! Come, let us fill this world with our sacred stench!
Goblins: Yes Master!
Guardian: Stop saying that!
Goblins: Yes Master!
Guardian: Are you stupid?
Goblins: Yes Master!
Guardian: When's the last time you ate magenta-colored chocolate?
Goblins: Yes Master!
Guardian: Are you ever going to say something else?
Goblins: No Master!
Guardian: It's so hard to find good hordes these days...
That's the end of the first day! Stay tuned for the second smelly, idiotic, wonderful episode of Virtuousness Day!!! Infinitron Dragon - out!
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