Ultima Limericks

(And other Ultima poetry)

An adventurer sought Xanadu
Found a rock with a red colored hue
So he entered the moongate
but he realized too late
He'd end up in the prison in Yew.

There once was a killer named Hook
Who wrote all he killed in a book
The book was destroyed
So he killed his friend Lloyd
And started all over, the crook!

There once was a king named Lord British,
The Shadowlords made him quite skittish.
But the sandalwood box
Undid their ill locks,
So he polished it to a nice finish.

There once was a man named Dupre
Who really could put it away
As he sipped from his flagon
He'd tell of a Dragon
Who said U10 will run on a Cray!

Ultima games are just great;
I often stay up and play late.
They're the best games of all,
They hold me in thrall!
(Except of course Ultima Eight.)

There once was an Ultima dude
Who oft was incredibly crude
Iolo was his name
And he gained his fame
By constantly shouting "More Food!"

The Guardian's really insane
They say something's wrong with his brain
And his skin, it is said
Is incredibly red
It's a pity he is such a pain.

There once was a king named LB
A very wise ruler, you see.
He summoned a man:
"Please see if you can
learn all of the principles three."

Shamino is often in trouble
for excessively blowing a bubble
Have you noticed, my dear,
That without his beard,
Lord British is his exact double.

The Avatar once stole a fork
LB stood up and said "You dork!"
He proceeded to pound him
And then to expound him
"I need that to eat all my pork!"

Virtue is the Avatar's thing
For example, if you lost a ring
He would help you retrieve it
From whoever thieved it
But I plead you, do not let him sing!

The Avatar needed to find
All eight of the virtuous shrines.
But Dupre made him rest,
Said "Enough of this test;
Let's go get a flagon of wine!"

There once was a jester named Chuckles
He'd wear a suit with lots of buckles
But when he plays the game
None but him can take blame
When I give him a face full of knuckles.

There once was an Avatar from Nantuckett
who had a....whoops wrong limerick :)
lets try another one

There once was a companion named Dupre (pronounced Du-prey)
who, while travelling with the Avatar would always say
Avatar lets stop in at this pub
For some booze and some grub
'cause if I don't get some; I'll surely wither away.

A scary place is Skara Brae
Where ghosts walk about in the day
But with their moaning calls
And their walking through walls
Oh think of the pranks they could play!

The Codex of Wisdom is Wise
It says "Please, you must excercise!"
But it's in the Void, now
(And please call it Lloyd, now)
If you find it you will win a prize

There once was a shipwright named Owen
But nought about ships was he knowin'
As his ships fell apart
He'd ride off in his cart
And no-one knew where he was goin'

That Batlin guy sure is a jerk.
Everyday, wearing a smirk,
He'll run around town
Like some overweight clown
Doing the Guardian's work!

There once was a king called LB,
A wise and just ruler was he,
But in Ultima Seven,
I said, "You should be in heaven -
I killed you in Ultima Three!"

There once was a man named British,
No one was a bigger beast than he,
He raped and he pillaged,
And forced the poor villagers to flee!

Then the beast claimed himself king,
So he could steal from the people with ease,
But a gold plate fell on his head with a ding,
and with his death, all the people were pleased!

The famously brave Avatar
Went down to the pub for a jar
After seven were downed
He smiled, then he frowned
As the eighth made him barf on the bar

Now Quenton is naught but a mime
His murder a terrible crime
But if you resolve
That this crime you must solve
I'll tell you you're wasting your time.

They say that Batlin was bad,
'coz he talked to a ghost and went mad.
So now he's the puppet
of the nastiest muppet
which makes him a bit of a cad.

When Iolo begins to play "Stones",
the campsite is oft filled with groans.
He's been playing that song
for ever so long,
and we're sick of those same damn old tones!

To play "Serpent Isle" you need VooDoo,
which can cause a bit of a to-do;
the programming's bended
so you can't use extended
and the damn thing will crash if you do.

The people in Ultima games
often have long complex names,
which some of the time
makes a difficult rhyme,
for example, Fedabiblio.

To people who've watched TNG:
Go to Serpent's Hold and you'll see
as if in a dream
some people who seem
to have faint familiarity...

There once was a mouse named Sherry
Who thought Dr. Cat was scary.
"Don't eat me!" she'd pray,
And to that he'd say,
"Oh lord no, you're far too hairy!"

Farmers' Market opens at 8 AM
To go there I don't give a damn
But if gold coins you need
To get up to speed
Then carry to "Bootsie" that ham!

There once was a fighter "Dupre"
that thought beer was more than okay
and drank up so much,
he threw up his lunch
and then got a good wench to lay.

Shamino is the name of the ranger
that tipped babes right out of the manger.
When one hit the floor,
he raced for the door
to get his arse the way out of danger.

Iolo in the form of a bard
had a belly made out of pure lard
"I need food!" did he cry--
I guess it wasn't a lie
'cause his body's now cold, stiff, and hard.

Once you fall asleep
in the land of dreams so sweet
remember to bring your power
the mirror, helm and flower
cause else you stay in defeat

She awoke in Pagan thinking "Strange,
That I suddenly feel quite derranged!"
She looked down near her belt,
Saw a horror and yelled,
"The red bastard gave me a sex change!"

In the brilliant Ultima Six
The Gargoyles were up to their tricks
So Avatar cries "Halt!"
But they say "It's your fault!
Why the heck did you nick the Codex?"

Now Batlin though he was bright,
he'd fooled lord British and his knights
But that bald little fraud,
found his plan to be flawed,
And promptly met the Wall of Lights.

I once played Ultima Online
The game took up all of my time.
But truly the best thing,
Was the Beta testing
Bug 6 was unlimited wine!

I once met a farmer named Mack,
Who told me to look out the back.
Upon looking I laughed
at the strangely shaped craft:
A kilrathi ship of attack!

I once played Ultima 8
The bugs left me very irate
To a close friend I quipped:
"Moriens has no crypt!"
And the patch came a little too late.

While from trolls he was saving a lass,
The Avatar drew a sword made of glass.
But Iolo was so wired,
Dropped his bow and misfired
And shot the poor Av in the. . .um, head?

The flying carpet's just great.
The Companions zip around and Mach 8.
But if a stone isn't marked,
They forget where they parked,
And are oft quite incredibly late.

When I'm tired of Batlin and his smirk,
I know a great trick that'll work.
Just set by his legs,
Some nice POWDER KEGS. . .
And put a quick end to that jerk!

The Avatar's going 3D
A polygon person is he.
And if slight him you dare,
Then I bid you beware
The lethal sharp edge of his knee

So the Britain's townsfolk would mock
as a small orc sat at the dock
All day he would wish
To catch a big fish
But alas, he was using a rock!

Don't you think it would be fine
If all day you could drink wine?
But Dupre's in town
Drinking it down
Even eating the grape vines!

There once was a big black cat
Who chased after a rat
But no rat was she
Sherry she be
So that was the end of that cat

There once were companions three
Shamino Dupre and me
But wasn't there four?
No, no more
So this is the way it will be

I decided that I should go bake
Bake a big warm cake
But alas I could not
As I was taught
For only bread could I make

Just sleeping, Avatars suddenly hurled
To Britannia, and a storys unfurled
About his perpetration
Of a kidnap operation.
And hes chucked into the Underworld!

All alone, unarmed, and quite pissed
Old companions are sorely missed
So bearing sling shots, or maces
You confront confused races
Of inhabitants in the Abyss

Since the bursting of Cabirus bubble
The people (or things) have had trouble
In the toleration
Of this sore situation. And are really in quite the..
muddle. (Hey, you can't win 'em all).

But the Avatar, he saves the day!
And he sweeps all those troubles away.
Rescuing problematic daughters
And calming troubled waters
He establishes the Virtuous Way!

Garriot was doing fine,
when I saw Ultima nine.
What an ugly point of view:
You can't see behind you.
Surely this one won't be mine!!

Lord British, with refinement and verve
Rules as prime monarch (what nerve!)
Said ol' Av "But that throne
Is rightfully mine own!"
But the crowned one rules on, quite impervious.

"I never receive bed, nor board.
I rescue worlds, and you hoard!
Surely this is not fair!
Get you ass from that chair."
But his words and his blows were ignored.

Now, meekness is not for this Lord.
His imperial coolness has thawed.
Says the king "Do your worst!
I am blessed! Thou art cursed!"
But Av grins, and hefts up his Glass Sword..

There once was an Avatar,
Who liked to eat his car,
But car eating was a crime
and they made him do hard time,
But he escaped, he ate the jail bar.

There once was a man named Dupre,
He'd go to the pub every day,
He ate a pickled egg
and a girl tore out his leg,
So he hopped to Britanny Bay.

The Av thinks Nastassia's hot,
(Well, the male ones do; mine does not ;)),
The Av likes to kiss her
(She thinks *I'm* her sister)
And cause her to moan quite a lot...

Blackthorn was away for a while
In the land known as Serpent Isle
He befriended a monk
They got rather drunk
And ended up slumped in a pile.

A bard is too risky a friend
For to his diet you must attend
Without enough pie
You are likely to die
With a bolt lodged up your rear end.

I once tried to play U3
It was on my Nintendo, you see
But I got killed in a cave
So I ranted and I raved
Then I sold it for $23.93 (Actually I still have the game. ^_^)

There once was a Bard named Jon
Who thought that he could write a good song
So he picked his flute
A guitar, then a lute
Quoth Iolo, "Ye Hath done it all wrong."

Cannons are totally cool.
'Gainst doors and such things they just rule.
All monsters lose
When I light up that fuse
So get outta my way you damn fool.

One day in the land of Brittannia
Two Fighters fought hand over hand-a
Turned out that their tiff
Was o'er lighting a spliff
It was lit, now their minds are all Rasta.

There once was a guy from Nantucket
Whose head was stuck in a bucket
and try as he might,
the fit was too tight,
which is good because Pagan's so rugged.

I know of a bard named Iolo,
Who once played a firedoom staff solo;
His performance was marred
And his party was charred
When he bollixed his opening salvo.

I once knew a man named Shamino -
Who liked to hit the casino.
On races he'd bet -
I was quite upset!
Our rat did not run so keen-o.

Of course we all know dear Dupre -
We poke fun at him every day.
Some call him a drunk,
Others think he's a hunk,
But he is a good friend anyway. ;)

So the Avatar now has ascended
And the Ultima series has ended
In the big celebration
For saving the nation
A million ales were upended

Lord British removed from his station
Exciled from his very own nation
It's a clean slate at last
From his origin's past
He's already at his destination

Frigidazzi was quite the lass
Not afraid to display her *censored*
If she went to Monk Isle
Armed with only a smile
The good brothers would surely miss Mass.

There are poems that make you shudder.
They may make your legs feel like they're made out of butter.
But take it from me.
Play the Ultimas three*
And then you may feel like a nutter! :D

My name is B2D
I belong to the UDIC
But before too long
I may sing my swan song
And that may be the last of me.

My dear friends, let's all play the Game!
And you'll be quite glad that you came,
From life's old rat race,
To this neat and fun place,
Where not all of us are quite sane...

Chuckles the Jester's the guy,
Whom we'd all like to see up and die.
His jokes are so bad
That I'm sure he is mad;
I usually just say to him "Bye."

There was an old bald bard from Britain
who said, "I dont think it is fittin' "
to waste all this time
making bad jokes in rhyme
darned old Chuckles is always bullshittin.

I once met Chuckles the Jester
And ME he started to pester.
He lay in his bed
With a broken head
He looked like ol' Uncle Fester!

The ol' tyrant decided, ya see,
To cut down on plaque nails by three.
So later in the day,
To everyone's dismay,
His body did look like a V!

Shamino challenged a baby
In the presence of a lady.
Shamin' ran away
That very same day;
Diapers made him scream "Aid me!"

The Avatar started to think
As he said to all with a wink
"Let's go and eat,
We may have some meat."
Dupre said "I could use a drink!"

Love dogs much did the Avatar
'Specially the Hound of Doskar.
His leg he lifted
And Dupre shifted
And did run away very far.

There once was a man from Yew
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He woke with a fright
In the middle of the night
And found that his dream had come true!

The Guardian, always a liar
Had us all in a state 'twas most dire
Though he promised fun
He’d be the one
As MASTER, COMPANION, PROVIDER

There once was a man from Trinsic
Who wished to show the king a trick.
"Pardon me sire,
My bottom caught fire."
He had sat on a candlestick!

Blue is Honesty's colour
(It certainly isn't another).
It's just like the sky,
Or a blueberry pie,
Or even a wide and wet river.

There once was a chap called Dupre
Who continuously would say,
"'Tis already dusk!
Why not get a flask
And have some ale without delay!"

The Avatar stopped in the smith's little hut
And with great haste did he slam the door shut.
"Knowest thou where to find
Armour for behind?
This guy's always shooting me in the butt!"

There once was a dragon from Paws
Who had problems with rules and with laws
When caught in his lair,
He said "Sure, have no fear"
"I'll come as soon as I've sharpened my claws"

A dragon, renown for his typos
Once said, near the city of Minos
You know, typos are fyne
Can make anything rhyne
At least in the writings of Pibbos 

There once was a lad named Bradley,
Who everyone thought he was mad, see?
So he became a great mage
And in a great rage
Bradley sent all he could see to sea